Month: July 2022

VLOG ONLY: here’s an idea…

Here’s an idea…

Maybe this should be my last video journal here on Deslob Student.

Maybe I should just stick to “cleaning videos”… as my son tells me.

Maybe I need to focus on getting the house clean instead of focusing on my “feelings” all the time.

He has a point. I spend way too much time focusing on my feelings.

But why should I have to clean up the house? Isn’t it Jim’s house?
Isn’t it a mess because he decided not to clean it for a year?
Isn’t it the kid’s house? Yes, Crystal… but YOU decided to move back into it and now if YOU want to live in a cleaner environment then YOU’LL need to be the one motivated enough to clean!

And not just sometimes, not once-in-a-while or once in a blue moon. But you need to take the dedication and commitment you have to your vlogging and apply that to cleaning the house.

Maybe that will get you out of your head and INTO doing something productive!

You’re right Crystal (as you know, I often talk to myself when I am feeling wobbly.) As for this video, or rather I say, this series of videos… I find what I am saying rather important!

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel has a brilliant monologue about how important women are and how rare it is that we actually know our worth. (Or something to that effect.) I absolutely love the message and inserted the clip here in this video journal so that you can appreciate it just as much as I do, hopefully. I need to remember my power, take back my power and STOP giving my power away to all the naysayers out there… especially my husband!

The ONE LOVE clips about emotional abuse are powerful messages, reminding people (like me) what LOVE shouldn’t look like. I shared them once before on a sing-with-me journal about disappointment. Just because I am in a crappy situation “sometimes” doesn’t mean that I can’t take back my power. Does it?

That’s all I have for today… we’ll see how the future of this channel plays out. I’m outta gusto just about. I need to find myself again. I feel like I’m losing her sometimes. Other times, I find her and it’s a bitter-sweet reunion. I love myself, I do. I just don’t get to practice it so very often… it seems to threaten my warden to love myself. I get yelled at when I’m glowing and laughing and enjoying my own little quirky ideas.

It’s hard to be shut down so many times and NOT give away my power.

Because giving away my power is the only thing that keeps me safe.

This is Crystal’s last video journal for awhile.
Over and out.

Music: piano moment by bensound
Invisible Beauty by Aakash Gandhi
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

CREDITS:
The speech is from Amazon Prime’s The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel – Season 04 Episode 08 “How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?”

The short films are from The ONE LOVE FOUNDATION
website: www.joinonelove.org
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QhLovf_xRU

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

welcome home.

Let’s face it, I did not move back into my husband’s house wholeheartedly.
Kind of like SWIMMING, I wasn’t excited and didn’t “jump right in”. Rather, it was more like dipping my toe in the water while complaining about how “cold” it is.

This is NO WAY to live. To be wishy-washy about my relationship only made me more ambivalent. To not have a solid opinion about the choices I have made, kept me wibbly, wobbly.

How can I be “balanced” when I haven’t stood firm with ANYTHING?

Well, I’m finally ready to lay on some hard truths.

After a FULL WEEK of NO distractions (hardly) and allowing Jim to basically control my life, it was like diving in head first into this relationship. Not the relationship that I want – no.

But the relationship that I have.

It’s time that I address this with myself.

I’m sorry Crystal but I have to admit this if I am going to move forward!

So here it is…

I am disappointed with my choice to move back in with Jim. I am doing my best to make the best of it but I feel like I have let myself down, really.
When I left him in 2021, I thought I had FINALLY found a way out. But no matter what I do or what I say, he never goes away.

The fact is. I am trauma bonded. I already knew this and did my best to avoid moving back in with him and trust me, if I had multiple options I would’ve chosen ANY OTHER WAY to be closer to my kids than THIS option, but the bond I have to Jim won out. He really is trying to be a better man and I am really lucky I guess that he is willing to make an effort.

So I had to come back and I guess I gotta stay now.

This is starting to sound like the lyrics to a Billie Elish’s song!

Let’s simplify these thoughts a bit to match the song better.

I hope someday I’ll make it out of here. Even if it takes all night or just 4 more years. I need a place to hide but I can’t find one near. I want to feel alive outside but I can’t fight my fear.

I hate that I am BOTH so sensitive and oh so stubborn.

I basically asked for this.
I knew what I was getting into.
I wasn’t fooling myself. I knew.
All I can say to myself is… Welcome Home Crystal.

I’m losing track of time.
I’m dreaming of a better place.
Something’s on my mind.
I’m always in my head space.
I know someday I’ll get it out of here. I hope it will be sooner than 4 years.

I need a place to hide, a place somewhat near. I NEED to feel alive outside, as I learn to fight this fear.

Wow, I can’t believe I have admitted this dark side out loud!

There you are, I was wondering where you were!
Hello Crystal, welcome home.

Music: Lovely by Billie Eilish
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

bug ranch

Ok… I’m gonna lay some TRUTHS on you.

Are you ready?

Truth # 1: This bug ranch video was filmed on 7/8/2022
Truth # 2: Except for the part that I grabbed from 2018
Truth # 3: This VLOG was edited and uploaded today, 7/27
Truth # 4: I am scheduling it to be visible on 7/28 at 7pm AZ TIME
Truth # 5: This morning, my therapist treated me for OCD
Truth # 6: I think THIS, mixed with my ADHD & HPD is why I am so “crazy”.
Truth # 7: This means… there might be some changes soon.

Stay tuned.

PS: click on this link BELOW if you want to know how to get to bug ranch
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS1002US1003&sxsrf=ALiCzsYGdoHMRUy9OOPjTL52IRiliO-zZQ:1658985035767&q=vw+slug+bug+ranch+address&ludocid=1447630339777649603&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwju_vnt6Jr5AhW-DkQIHekVB4gQ6BN6BQiQARAC

Oh, BTW – Matthew’s videogame “name” is BaconNogg – just in case you were wondering. 😉

Music: Control by High Rule
& Colours of You by Baby Queen
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

SONG VLOG: last day in Oklahoma

I did something my husband asked me NOT to do… he asked me NOT to post about our vacation until after we got home.

Well, I let it slip. I posted to my Facebook page that we were in Oklahoma and my brother’s ex-wife, his 1st wife (from when he was like, 18 years old) happened to live just an hour away from where we were at. I haven’t seen this woman in like 17 years!

We were like best friends for a few years. She was my sister-in-law.
She and I have only spoken a few times on Facebook but when she heard that I was so close in range to where she lived, she begged me to meet up with her before leaving town.

But was I “allowed” to?

“Um. NO.” (With a look of disgust on his face in disbelief that I would ask such a thing.)

“Hell No” was more of the tone that he used when I asked him. He didn’t have to say those words to imply that level of disagreeableness.

He didn’t feel it was “fair” for me to ask him such a question. After all, we are here to see HIS family, not my brother’s ex-wife. Ok, sure. I get it. It is not fair of me to ask us to go out of our way to see someone that ISN’T family. She isn’t the reason we are here in Oklahoma. She isn’t the main focus of our day. We have limited time here and we have many more FAMILY members to visit. How DARE I ask. I could see his point. So I agreed with him and dropped it.

But what did I do? I snuck messages to her anyway.

It honestly felt like I was two different people.

One part of me saw his point, agreed with his logic, and yet, I couldn’t believe what I was doing behind his back. The other part of me felt justified. I told her where WE would be and WHEN we would be there and left it up to HER to find me. I stressed to her the importance of how I am not in charge of where we are going and when we are going so if she can make it happen, great. Otherwise, I will have to catch up with her next time.

We stopped by a little burger place to eat lunch before visiting the next family member and I sent her my GPS location. I knew she was headed north, driving the full hour to hopefully meet up with ME and I knew that it was a long shot that I would be able to actually see her again.

Did my codependency stop me from being forthcoming and direct with my husband? It sure did. I was afraid of him getting upset with me. I was afraid of getting shut down again. If we aren’t going out of our way to meet her, then there’s nothing wrong with her coming out her way to meet ME, right?

Well, I finally told him our plan to have her meet me and no, he wasn’t happy about it, but he dealt with it.

And sure enough. She showed up.

I visited with my brother’s ex-wife (and the baby she has with her new husband.) We talked for a hot minute before I heard my husband sigh and slurp the bottom of his soda drink very rudely.

I allowed my codependency to take those passive-aggressive hints as my queue to wrap things up. I kept a smile on my face as we said “cheese” for the camera. He grunted all the way to the car as I hugged my ex-sister-in-law several times. We cried, declaring that we’d keep in touch and chat more often.

I got in the car, smiling, feeling nostalgic as I wiped a few tears and then I get the verbal, condescending husband. Rude, jerk face, ready to blame me for how LATE we now are. I endured his Nascar speeds on the freeway just because of MY little rendevous.

The whole time I was shutting down my feelings, ignoring MY wants, MY thoughts and MY feelings. I adopted my husband’s and agreed with him and I apologized for his anger too.

Why do I do this? Why am I so attached to his feelings and change myself to meet HIS needs? Why can’t I stop being the same old Crystal and spread my Butterfly wings once and for all?

I think I know… it’s because I’m afraid of change.

Maybe that’s why I stay the same.

Maybe I should leave because he reminds me every day that I’m not enough but I still stay. He should find somebody better that loves him more than I do.

I’ve been spinning in my head over dumb things that he’s said. I’ve been holding back tears while he acts like nothing is wrong, leaving me all alone to struggle with all the dumb words that he has said.

If he told me to leave, I’d be happy to go. But I still stay.

It feels like a lifetime ago when I was in my apartment just trying to get by. I didn’t like being alone as much as I say that I did… I was dying inside, wanting so badly to be with my family again.

And now, here I have them, and it’s not good enough for me.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong, loving him is one but I can’t move on.
I am not only “in love” with him, I am also trauma bonded to him.

Why can’t I stop loving him?
Why can’t I let go of him?

Sometimes he’s so negative and an asshole. He’s so clueless. He’s so… HIM.

And I’m so ME.

I don’t know what else to do God… so I let it go to YOU – again.

Music: July by Noah Cyrus
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

SONG VLOG: trying to be COOL

Instead of another video in HYPERSPEED… how about a video in SLOW MOTION. We start off with some fun little videos at the indoor pool. It was our 2nd time swimming this week. It was probably the most relaxing thing we did while on vacation. The videos after that were from the following day when we visited my husband’s grandpa. He wasn’t home the 1st time we came by, so we walked around and captured some videos of the animals that he has on his property. We then went to lunch and passed time at a local zoo. I was so dehydrated and had a migraine from heat exhaustion, I didn’t get hardly any videos of that day. So here is the little bit I was able to scrounge up together from all of our phones. Amazingly enough, I found even more after THIS video was made so stay tuned for tomorrow’s video where I share even MORE!

As for the song… Dodie is SUCH a cool artist. Her voice is so unique and the lyrics she writes are so poetic and relatable at the same time. I found this song particularly perfect for how I have been living my life lately.

I don’t want to be the “needy” girl or the “bossy” girl or even the “too independent that I don’t need anybody” girl either… I keep trying to fit in a box that I created for myself… ever since I moved back in with my husband, I keep trying to be COOL.

Mainly because I don’t trust myself to calm down if I don’t remain COOL and collected at all times. I am hot-headed and quickly dysregulated.

Here is what Dodie says about her lyrics: “‘Cool Girl’ is a song about misplaced anger,” she said about the song. “Stemming from the suppression of communicating your needs in a relationship in order to attempt to be the most chill, cool and loveable. It’s bitter, desperate, frustrated, proud, determined, and unhealthy.”

Like WOW – isn’t that the MASK that I wore for my ENTIRE marriage? Constantly trying to be “COOL” just to keep him “COOL”? I swear God… if this is your idea of making it work… I think you need to go back to the drawing board and try again. I can NOT keep being “COOL”, no matter how hard I try?

I’m going to share her lyrics here in case you have a hard time reading them on the screen and you will see what I mean… especially that part where she says, ” Chill out if it’s late – or every heavy sigh will seal a fate”. Because HELLO, Crystal! If you EVER let him know that you’re NOT ok, even if it’s just a sigh, all HELL will break loose! So just “chill out” especially if it’s late, otherwise, your FATE will be to stay up alllllll night hashing it out until you apologize for having anything “wrong” in the first place!

Ok, I’m gonna end this rant and share the lyrics.

Thanks again for watching – talk to you in the next video!

Lyrics:
I carry the time we don’t talk
In a backpack

Leave it on the side with the nights you didn’t
Call me back

And all the ideas, and the hope
I’d never ask him for

I’ll throw them away, it’s okay, without a
Second thought

God I swore
I wouldn’t play
The age-old game
Yeah, I watched you all ask all your lovers away

Rolling your eyes, to the back of your heads
Surely you know to close them instead

Cool girl
Will be different
I’ll be quiet
Oh, so easy

How much of a tongue can I bite
Until we notice blood

Spit to the left, carry on
Just smile and say you’re good

You all plead and demand
All your needs but you can’t
He’ll be asked till he’s bored
I would know, I’ve been bored before

Chill out if its late
Or every heavy sigh will seal a fate

God I swore
I wouldn’t play
The age-old game
Yeah, I watched you all ask all your lovers away

Rolling your eyes, to the backs of your heads
Surely you know to close them instead

Cool girl
Will be different
I’ll be quiet
I’ll be easy

No, I won’t be like them
Want me more than a friend
No, I won’t be like them
I’ll be quiet again
Oh so easy

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Dorothy Miranda Clark

Music: Cool Girl by dodie

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

visiting… family.

Hi! My name is Crystal and I’m the Deslob Student. If you happen to be reading this, you will soon begin to realize that I write a TON (most of the time) and it’s usually “extra” info, or rather “behind the scenes” stuff. I am really good at smiling for the camera and filming things that I want you to see, but speaking my truth is a little more challenging for me.

You see, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 17 years. I am trauma bonded, badly and my thoughts about it all toss back and forth all the time. I am in therapy twice a week and I also go to a 12-step group for Co-Dependent’s Anonymous. The only “solution” that I have so far is to practice awareness, be as present as possible (instead of in my head where there is a ton of GLOOM & DOOM) oh and give it to God.

So if you’re here, thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to read even up to this point. If you happen to get all the way through this, please drop me a comment or click LIKE if you don’t want me to know who you are. The “LIKES” are anonymous… and they’re free! Clicking LIKE just makes me feel good is all… as I desperately try to figure out my life, I am aching for friends, even if they are just internet friends.

Ok, that’s enough of that Crystal. Let’s move on, shall we?

We, that’s a funny word. Sometimes I talk to myself as if I need an authority figure in my head telling me what to do. Eh, it works for me, so let’s continue. We’ll explain more about this video below.

As you might know, we are posting daily and recently removed a lot of videos too – we don’t want a lot of attention, but we do want to reach those who are looking for similar experiences. If that’s you, welcome!

Thank you for joining us on our 7-day vacation trip… there will 8 videos in total. Why? Because I’m crazy like that, of course! Our next stop is Shawnee, Oklahoma where my husband’s Great Aunt Helen lives.

Let’s shake this Oklahoma series up a bit and talk about CLUTTER. I am in NO place to judge, but I am going to compare… let’s compare Aunt Helen’s house to someone of a similar age, my late Grandma Jean. After all, Jim’s Great Aunt is only 4 years older than my Grandma. She is so very sweet and SPUNKY like my Grandma was, she was also very dedicated to her marriage, even when her husband was a jerk… just like my Grandma was.

A trait that I admire and also fear. I don’t want to die a frustrated old woman like my Grandma did. (You can listen to more of my thoughts about that on this vlog: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/2022/02/14/divine-intervention/)

As we continue to compare the two incredible women, I am noticing more similarities. My Grandma’s house was soooo very similar to Great Aunt Helen’s house. Wood paneling, 70’s carpet, books, photos and whatnots that haven’t been moved in decades.

My Grandma was able to redecorate in the last 20 years or so, but Aunt Helen seems to be content just surrounded by all her memories.

I’m also going to talk about my mother-in-law here. She is definitely influenced by her Aunt Helen. Not only are their mannerisms similar, but I can also tell the way that they store their clutter and hoard plastic bins are similar too. This was just too much of a similarity for me to miss. 🙂

My Grandma’s clutter wasn’t all bins full of memories though. No, my Grandma and Grandpa ran a little Discount store in Idaho and they often brought merchandise home. That’s where Great Aunt Helen’s clutter is slightly different. Great Aunt Helen’s clutter looks like MY CLUTTER. Bins, baskets, stacks and stacks, covered in dust. This is why I had to film. Because, HELLO, I am the Deslob Student and if the ONLY lessons of decluttering that I have had are from my Grandma and my mother-in-law, well then, you know… I’m screwed!

Over the last decade. I have turned to the wonderful YouTube influencers like Dana K. White & Rachel Jones. I am learning how to declutter my home without shoving my shit into another bin.

This video is somewhat short, and cute and only meant to be shared out of love and inspiration. I am inspired to have a home that is LESS cluttered by the time I’m in my 80’s. I’d love to see if we can do it within the next YEAR! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Ok, that’s all for now. Thank you for reading!

Music: Things A Man Oughta Know by Lainey Wilson
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

VLOG ONLY: in Oklahoma (part 2)

Hello! I’m gonna break this down into 3 parts:
1.) What you are seeing visually, the video.
2.) What you are hearing audibly, music and words… and of course,
3.) My personal thoughts and feelings in the BLOG/description.

In this video, you will watch some fireworks with my husband and his 86-year-old Grandpa, but it’s too dark so you might not be able to see much at all, really. I try to fluff it up with some photos from 2009 to help visualize what I am saying, more on that later.

Afterward, I try to capture some people at my husband’s aunt’s house on the 4th of July. My husband helped her with her new grill and we had hamburgers and watermelon for dinner. Lastly, we bought a bunch of “BIG” fireworks and lit them in a vacant neighborhood. My husband’s cousin Davy also spent a lot of money at the firework booth stand (probably to compete with my husband, as “tough” men often do) but instead of buying a lot of smaller things, he bought just one big “FINALE” firework that you will see at the end. That’s pretty much it for the video stuff.

Audio-wise, you will be able to hear the fireworks, of course, plus I added a couple PERFECT country songs to go along with what is being said. I read a journal entry out loud describing the last time we were in Oklahoma in 2009! My kids were just “babies” then! At the end, you will hear some Katy Perry, of course, and lots of laughter coming from me, my husband and his cousin Davy. I’m so glad the day turned out so well.

We were in Oklahoma for 7 days, and the 4th of July was probably my favorite day out of all 7 of them. I had never been so close to “BIG” fireworks before! I hope to have many more enjoyable moments like that one.

Now let’s talk about this BLOG – or my description (if you’re reading this on YouTube.) Keep reading if you want to know me on a more personal level.

If you’ve been following for a while, you will know that sometimes when I record things, edit things and then write about things, they don’t always seem to make sense/go together.

Take my “journal entry” that I read as a voiceover… I read my 2009 journal entry about as if it were a small moment in my life, but in fact, it was a really traumatic memory for me. I’m going to elaborate a little bit more HERE:

My husband was VERY unhealthy at the time and he through the biggest jealousy fit I had EVER seen up until that point. He had a jealousy meltdown of mass proportions. I, on the other hand, had an “Oklahoma Breakdown” and was depressed and confused for the rest of the trip. I wasn’t surprised by his jealousy but of his cousin Davy? Heck no! He threw such a fit, it was so embarrassing! He even threw the fit in front of his cousins, his parents and anyone else that happen to witness it.

Of course, they all know how “sensitive” my husband is and they probably assumed that I did something to deserve such a horrible accusation as starring at his cousin’s chest – but I swear, the WORST I did was judge his cousin, and NO I’m not proud of that, but if I was looking at his cousin for longer than I was “supposed to” then that would’ve been only ONLY REASON why!

Wow, I’m getting upset just THINKING about it. Calm down Crystal.

I’m happy to report that 13 years later, his cousin is clean and his daughters are practically grown. I’m not going to say anything negative about all that because no, it’s not as good as it could be, but at least it’s better than it was.

Everyone has their own walk in this life that they have to endure.
I’m not really sure why I shared all this stuff about my husband’s cousin and the jealousy fit from 13 years ago… it’s really just to paint the picture on why my anxiety & PTSD was so high. Once the 4th of July event came and went, I was able to put it all behind me (just about) and move on.

So no, I may not be as good as I could be, but at least I am better than I was.

So I might’ve said that my husband has redeemed himself by IMPROVING his behavior on this trip… but that may have been just a coincidence.

We’ll see.

More to come tomorrow, I promise!

Music: Oklahoma Breakdown by Toby Keith
& Firework by Katy Perry
& Firecracker in the Style of Josh Turner

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

VLOG ONLY: in Oklahoma (part 1)

Instead of doing a video for each day of our vacation, I have combined many videos together. Even though this is the 3rd video from our vacation, we will call this one “in Oklahoma (part 1)

The video starts off with us arriving to Oklahoma around 11:30 at night.
As you know from reading the description (from the previous video) it had been a very emotional day for me. By the time we drove into Oklahoma City, I was so very tired and irritated. We rolled into our hotel just before 2 in the morning (Oklahoma time) and I had enough “waiting around time” to capture our sleeping host on video. You can imagine how irritated I was underneath my fake smiles and awkward laughs. This was the very thing I was trying to avoid by calling ahead of time! I told them we would be arriving around 2:15am and we even got there earlier than that too!

Oh well, we eventually got settled in and fell asleep shortly afterwards.

The next day, we met up with some of my husband’s family and visited until we couldn’t visit anymore.

The next couple of days after that are somewhat of a blur to me.

I struggled between NOT being triggered by my husband’s controlling ways and also struggled to NOT take control and try to fix things for him when he seemed lost or unsure.

I honestly felt like a teenager in the car with my other two teens. No voice, no equal say, no respect given but I had to give him all the respect… it wasn’t very fun. But it was a role I was used to. If I chose to stand up to him, then it was even more difficult for us to tolerate our time there together.

There were plenty of family members but more time DOING NOTHING in between the times we were visiting. I don’t think I was ready to spend THIS much time with him in one space, with NO distractions. I couldn’t wait to get back home.

Home… that’s a funny word.

I really would like to feel at HOME in this home that Jim has invited me back to.

But I’m not there yet.

I just keep praying that God will show me a way to inner peace.

I definitely don’t have it today and it’s been a heck of a lot of days since these videos were recorded.

Every day I just keep doing my best like this “Wanna be OK” song says:

“No one knows what goes on up inside my head
There is a new kind of poison and starting to spread
No one knows what goes on up inside my head
They don’t think I need help
But I’m scaring myself
I just want to be okay
I just want to be okay”

link to that karaoke video HERE:
https://wordpress.com/post/deslobstudent.wordpress.com/2191

On a positive note, I am glad we got the smiles captured that we did. Can you tell that we did our best to have fun? The kids and I made the best of what we had. We enjoyed swimming the most probably. I enjoyed making little videos and playing my Wizard of Oz game.

Maybe Dorothy is trying to tell me something?

Somewhere, over the rainbow,
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true!

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Antidote (I Just Want to be Ok) by Faith Marie
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

SONG VLOG: you didn’t even notice

Road Trip video #2!

I love this song, it is so beautiful. When it first came out, I played the song all the time before moving out of Jim’s. I didn’t even remember the song until I moved back… the lyrics are so powerful! Especially when I’m uncertain of the present moment. To me, it symbolizes that NO MATTER how terrible things can get, remember there is always SOMETHING good hanging over your head, even if it’s hard to see it.

I was struggling on this day, the day we left town on a 7-day road trip to Oklahoma. I was fearful that I wouldn’t have my typical “distractions” to keep me from going “Jim-Crazy”.

Jim-Crazy is what I call it when my codependency is in overdrive and I obsessively try to “fix things” for Jim. Mainly because if I don’t fix things for him, then it makes my life unmanageable. But always-fixing does too!

As a recovering co-dependent, I know I’m not supposed to “fix things” for him, but oh boy, I sure did!

In hindsight, the trip was extremely challenging for me and I clearly wasn’t really ready to spend 7 days away from my work, my routine, my hobbies, and my “distractions”. To spend 7 days away from “home” at the mercy of Jim’s control and his family was extremely triggering for me.

Take this road trip, for example, the 1st several hours of the road trip were very stressful and full of anxiety and scary moments! Jim was driving aggressively through traffic, almost angry like – even cursing at a few drivers along the way… and here we were, his family, in the car, entrusting him with our lives… and we had NOWHERE TO GO. We were “stuck”. Like it or not, we had to keep our mouths shut and NOT hold our boundaries if (God forbid) Jim decided to go ape shit/ road rage on another driver.

We just had to endure whatever bad mood he decided to be in and listen to him rant and rave about other drivers. We couldn’t relax, none of us could. It started the whole vacation off on the wrong foot if you ask me.

It really upset me pretty badly, especially after a near-death collision, that Jim COULD’VE done better to prevent if he wasn’t so arrogant on the road! I happened to be filming too while it happened, the only problem is, that I was filming Matthew at the time so the camera only captured our smiles, and then all of a sudden, the camera shows my super serious face. Drats, it would’ve been GREAT if I had caught Jim’s stupidity on camera! I would’ve at least had some ammunition, some sort of living PROOF that Jim can drive recklessly!

But instead of getting angry, I held my tongue, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself… I don’t need to make things worse by “standing up for myself,” right? I remember what I am learning in CoDA and I remembered that I am not in charge of him. I am not in control of how he is choosing to react to random drivers on the freeway. I couldn’t jump out of the moving car and get me and my kids to safety, right? So, I decided to pray instead.

As I cried, hiding my tears and not making a sound, God decided to cry for me too. The clouds turned dark and a few minutes later, the rainbows soon came out. It was such a very powerful, symbolic moment for me too.

And sure enough, as my nerves calmed down, so did Jim’s nerves and we had a smooth drive the rest of the way there. All my negative feelings lifted too. I was able to do my best the rest week, taking accountability for ME and allowing Jim to be responsible for himself.

I really do love my husband, I am just not sure I am strong enough to endure all his character defects. I humbly ask God to repair them (as well as my own) so that I may be able to love him a little better. I don’t know how I am going to keep going sometimes. I’m just going to keep giving it to God. Right?

I wrote this poem below about my little rainbow experience.
Here it is:

You didn’t even notice
When I changed my plans for you

You didn’t even notice
That my heart had broken in two

You didn’t even notice
That I struggled every day

You didn’t even notice
That you always demand your way

You didn’t even notice
When my tears hit my cheek

You didn’t even notice
That “my truth” makes you feel weak

You didn’t even notice
That I roll my eyes each time you speak

You didn’t even notice
It’s your empathy that I seek

You didn’t even notice
As you drove angry, I kept on praying

You didn’t even notice
Were you even listening to what I was saying?

You didn’t even notice
The skies turned grey and God cried for me

You didn’t even notice
I cried too but did you even see?

You didn’t even notice
The rainbow was there until I spoke

You didn’t even notice
All my feelings, to you, are a joke

You didn’t even notice
You drove calmer, or so it seemed

You didn’t even notice
As my face glowed, my smile beamed

You didn’t even notice
When I’m false or when I’m true

You didn’t even notice
So please notice, I’m almost through

POEM BY CRYSTAL J. W.

Music: Rainbow by Kacey Musgraves
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

taking you on a journey…

Forget airports and airplanes… I’m a “road trip” kinda a gal all the way!
Yuppers, I am going on another road trip, and it will probably be my last trip (for a while). My husband has been so good to me on my previous few road trips and I want to repay him for all those times that he drove our family several miles, safely all those long distances, practically non-stop.

In all transparency, it’s not as altruistic as one might assume. I have heard several guilt trips over the years, and this year he made several more than ever. He made a few comments about how he never sees his family and how “often” I have seen my family made him a tad bit resentful. Well never to fear my dear! My codependency can clear that right up!

So, we scheduled time off from work and decided to go to Oklahoma for a week during the 4th of July holiday… why a week? I have absolutely NO idea… it’s not like we had a bunch of things planned, it was probably THE most boring vacation I have EVER been on but hell, I’ll do it for my husband, sure I will!

Whatever I gotta do to keep the peace, right?

Besides, I wouldn’t want to come in between a man and his last living grandparent. Right? I would really feel awful if his 86-year-old Grandpa should die before Jim got the chance to sit and visit with him.

So here we are, on the 1st stretch of our road trip… visiting the famous “Eagle’s corner” in Winslow, Arizona then making our way through New Mexico & Texas.

Stay tuned for more road trip videos… the journey has just begun!

Music: Take It Easy by Eagles
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/