welcome home.

Let’s face it, I did not move back into my husband’s house wholeheartedly.
Kind of like SWIMMING, I wasn’t excited and didn’t “jump right in”. Rather, it was more like dipping my toe in the water while complaining about how “cold” it is.

This is NO WAY to live. To be wishy-washy about my relationship only made me more ambivalent. To not have a solid opinion about the choices I have made, kept me wibbly, wobbly.

How can I be “balanced” when I haven’t stood firm with ANYTHING?

Well, I’m finally ready to lay on some hard truths.

After a FULL WEEK of NO distractions (hardly) and allowing Jim to basically control my life, it was like diving in head first into this relationship. Not the relationship that I want – no.

But the relationship that I have.

It’s time that I address this with myself.

I’m sorry Crystal but I have to admit this if I am going to move forward!

So here it is…

I am disappointed with my choice to move back in with Jim. I am doing my best to make the best of it but I feel like I have let myself down, really.
When I left him in 2021, I thought I had FINALLY found a way out. But no matter what I do or what I say, he never goes away.

The fact is. I am trauma bonded. I already knew this and did my best to avoid moving back in with him and trust me, if I had multiple options I would’ve chosen ANY OTHER WAY to be closer to my kids than THIS option, but the bond I have to Jim won out. He really is trying to be a better man and I am really lucky I guess that he is willing to make an effort.

So I had to come back and I guess I gotta stay now.

This is starting to sound like the lyrics to a Billie Elish’s song!

Let’s simplify these thoughts a bit to match the song better.

I hope someday I’ll make it out of here. Even if it takes all night or just 4 more years. I need a place to hide but I can’t find one near. I want to feel alive outside but I can’t fight my fear.

I hate that I am BOTH so sensitive and oh so stubborn.

I basically asked for this.
I knew what I was getting into.
I wasn’t fooling myself. I knew.
All I can say to myself is… Welcome Home Crystal.

I’m losing track of time.
I’m dreaming of a better place.
Something’s on my mind.
I’m always in my head space.
I know someday I’ll get it out of here. I hope it will be sooner than 4 years.

I need a place to hide, a place somewhat near. I NEED to feel alive outside, as I learn to fight this fear.

Wow, I can’t believe I have admitted this dark side out loud!

There you are, I was wondering where you were!
Hello Crystal, welcome home.

Music: Lovely by Billie Eilish
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

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