i don’t wanna move

In case you aren’t aware of the situation… I left my husband (of 16 years) in 2021 because I wasn’t feeling emotionally safe in his home anymore. I wasn’t an emotionally safe person to be around either. We were always fighting… or I was always crying… so I HAD to leave. I didn’t know how, but I figured out a way and finally chose to better MY LIFE once and for all. Otherwise, I would never be able to give my children the mother they deserved.

For the last 11.5 months, I’ve been living on my own, in my own apartment – doing my best to figure things out all by myself. It’s the 1st time I’ve been on my own and I do not have a lot of confidence in myself. I rely on the community around me to get me through. I see my kids regularly as they have chosen to live with their dad primarily. They have been dividing their time every week between their 2 toxic parents, they are excited to see us improve, their relationships with their Dad have also gotten better ever since “Mom left”.

Now that I have to move out of the apartment, I am not sure what I’m going to do with my future. I miss my kids and want to be in their lives daily. If we didn’t have therapists to help guide us through this, I don’t know where we’d be. Probably going through a bitter divorce.

Forgiving someone after domestic violence is essential for healing but it isn’t easy. My husband and I have been working on ourselves and we’ve been healthier. We’re also talking about reuniting and there’s a possibility that I will move back in with him. But I’m not sure if that’s what I want, nor if that is what is healthiest for my children.

So I start off this video feeling a lot of grief. Plus I’m conflicted about what I want. I also felt abandoned by a work friend who said they would help me move stuff into my storage unit today. I not only want to store stuff there, I also created a “safe space” to help me with this transition of letting go of my apartment. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry about having to move. I don’t want to move in with my mom, I won’t want to move back in with my husband – I don’t wanna move at all!

That’s where the song (plus hyper-speed video) starts… taking you on a journey between my feelings while also showing you that I’m doing my best to move forward anyway.

The end to this video is obvious… I ended up calling my husband and giving him my burdens… he gladly offered to help me move my cube storage OUT of the apartment and into the storage unit.

Strange, right? Because he has YET to step foot into the apartment. So I made sure to enlist Brooklyn’s help and together we got the cube shelves OUT of the apartment. We then drove together and once he arrived to the storage unit, he let us finish it up. He helped us get the items down from his truck bed but stayed with Rylee while Brooklyn and I took the cube shelves into my new “safe space”.

Stay tuned for more videos as I vlog & blog my REAL LIFE DRAMA, mixed with cleaning videos and lyrics that inspire me to speak my truth.

I am a DV survivor and I will get through this.

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Howl by Jake Houlsby

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

#dvsurvivor #speakingmytruth #crystalclearandthriving

2am packing & karaoke

In attempts to get caught up on editing, I’ve been editing more often and posting more frequently than EVER before – unfortunately, I’m still behind but that’s how we arrive at today’s video… where I am singing and packing at 2 o’clock in the morning!

This song means a lot to me and I understand how different it is from some of the other music I’ve been using.

Again, I use copyright material because I have no intention of claiming it for my own, it is really just meant for educational purposes to give folks an understanding of what it’s like to recover from emotional abuse.

Oh man, if you’ve been paying attention to the lyrics of my videos lately – you will totally have way more insight into how I am feeling. Isn’t it so true that a well-written song can say words much better than any words we can muster up the courage to say in real life?

This has been true for MOST of my videos – I am such a LYRIC Lover!

Here are the Lyrics to this one by Linkin Park:

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware

I’m becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)

I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
(I’m tired of being what you want me to be)

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Numb by Linkin Park

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

…just yesterday

It seems just like yesterday that I was reorganizing this kitchen with hopes to lower my time in “dishes math”.

Nope – it wasn’t yesterday – but I can’t believe how quickly time has flown since I moved INTO this apartment and now I am already packing to leave?

Where will I go?

What will happen next?

I don’t know – only time will tell, Jim just keeps saying to “come home” and it’s awfully tempting… we will see – stay tuned!

Lyrics:

Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now

Oh, I hope someday I’ll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear

Isn’t it lovely, all alone
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Lovely by Billie Eilish ft. Khalid

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

restored to sanity

My digital journal entry for Feb 8th – Step 2 of Codependents Anonymous is: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Tonight’s reading in CoDA was especially spot on with the level of insanity I have been experiencing in my brain! Take a glimpse of the reading for yourself:

It pairs along so perfectly with what’s going on in my life right now… as I continue to bounce back and forth (mentally and physically) between wanting to repair my marriage and yet also still afraid of moving back in with Jim… I get to remember that I am not a victim here. I have CHOICE. And I am not ready to give up.

I am so grateful that I will have space at my mom’s (for now) so that I can figure things out before rushing into any decisions. Who knows, I might even move back in with Jim this summer. ???

Yes, I can see that Jim is finally working on himself and I am noticing some slight changes too. So, I choose to believe in him and I think that’s what my heart truly wants. I WANT to work on my marriage SLOWLY and at a safe distance. I just have to KNOW without a doubt that I get to keep my power, no one can take it away without my permission. Sneaky Tactics or not… I’m in charge of me! Yes, I might be feeling extremely split, NOW more than usual, but nonetheless, I’m still A PEARL, I am WIDE AWAKE and I can also love him UNCONDITIONALLY. All while keeping my heart safe and reassuring myself that despite the destructive dynamite he sets off from time to time, I am worthy of love.

To sum this up, I am turning this over to God. He is in charge of how this goes down, not me. He knows I am not the typical fed-up wife, I am loyal and yet still choosing to shake things up for the betterment of everyone involved… not just a win for ME… It’ll be a win-win (I hope) for everyone! Especially for my kids.

I know, I’m weird. Maybe even crazy because I agree…

I am NOT like anyone else I know. I might feel powerless sometimes but I know I am strong and I know I’m unique because baby I’m A FIREWORK! 🎆 🎇

all the clothes

Consider this video “part 3” of the Kon Mari/Container Concept duo regarding my clothes. I am doing my best to ONLY KEEP what brings me joy AND make sure that I only keep what the containers can fit.

here is a link to the playlist if you want to watch the other videos like this one. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgn6uLV9yfdyyZ0-FJ-BaGvE6iRZTXwtG

On a more personal note… can I give you a taste of what it’s like to have my brain?

Just watch this video and you will watch it bounce from subject to subject – just like my ADHD brain. lol

Because this video is all over the place – just like ME!

Sometimes I’m vlogging. Sometimes I’m cleaning. Sometimes I’m venting and going down memory lane – sometimes I’m decluttering and getting stuff done. So why not edit this video in the same way – start the song, stop the song and just when you get used to not listening to the beautiful lyrics, I start the song up again!

See what I mean? My brain is all over the place.

Here are the lyrics that match up so very well with my internal feelings of this merry-go-round type of brain of mine…

Lyrics:

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
‘Cause you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

But high up above or down below
When you are too in love to let it show
Oh but if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes
oh and the tears streaming down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& FIX YOU by COLDPLAY (COVER BY FEARLESS SOUL and RACHAEL SCHROEDER)

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

#konmarimethod

i’m gonna miss…

Lyrics:

I’ve gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I’m older

This mountain, I must climb
Feels like the world’s upon my shoulders
Through the clouds, I see love shine
Keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life, there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
I can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me (hey)

I’m gonna take a little time
a Little time to look around me
I’ve got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life, there’s been heartache and pain
I don’t know if I can face it again
Can’t stop now, I’ve traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is -oh
and I want you to show me

I wanna know what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Music: Angel’s Dream by Aakash Gandhi
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& I Want to Know What Love Is by Forgeiner

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

tidy up the kitchen

Lyrics:

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own
So don’t buy in

Just Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough
For someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just do your best
Do everything you can
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& The Middle – Jimmy Eat World (Kina Grannis Cover)

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

the scout box

Here is a fascinating article that highlights the lyrics and overall message of today’s video, the original article is linked here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/4-reasons-verbal-abuse-so-dangerous-what-you-can-do-zintz-ph-d-/

4 Reasons Verbal Abuse is So Dangerous (and what you can do about it)

What is verbal abuse? Verbal abuse can occur in any kind of relationship. It is generally a calculating, insidious process that intensifies over time. Suppose you’ve been the victim of someone who uses verbal abuse. In that case, you will recognize it when someone is repeatedly using negative or demeaning words or threats to gain or maintain power and control over you. Being on the receiving end of verbal abuse can cause you to question your own intelligence, value, or self-worth.

Verbal abuse can be harder to spot than other abuse types because it leaves no visible signs of damage and can be very subtle. This may lead the person receiving it to believe that these behaviors are expected, which may also make it difficult to recognize.

Four signs of verbal abuse that make it very dangerous

1. Generally, a person who repeatedly uses words to scare, undermine, belittle, humiliate, or discredit someone is verbally abusive.
2. The damage left behind by verbal and emotional abuse can be just as bad, if not worse in some cases, than physical injuries. The danger is in the unseen emotional damage to others. It contributes to many physical health conditions, such as chronic pain, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, self-harm, and depression.
3. If you remain in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship, it can have long-lasting effects on your physical and mental health.

4. Verbal abuse can be hard to detect for several reasons. Most abuse types occur behind closed doors and involve strategies that hide or discredit the abuse by encouraging you to feel that the abuse is your fault or deserved. The discrediting and hiding of the abuse might cause the receiver to feel as though it never happened at all.

Several types of verbal abuse

Discounting and Gaslighting:

“Discounting” means denying another’s rights to their own thoughts, emotions, or experiences. It occurs repetitively in dismissing someone’s feelings. Examples include telling someone that they are too sensitive, childish, don’t have a good sense of humor, or being dramatic. Gaslighting is denying events or describing them in a way so different from reality that the receiver starts to think that they are losing their memory or their mind.

Judging and Blaming:

Judging behavior appears as negative and judgmental evaluations that challenge another’s sense of self-worth. It involves using “you-statements” such as, “You’re never happy,” or “It’s never enough for you,” and “You’re so negative.” The use of the word “you” in this context can isolate the victim and become emotionally damaging. Blaming another person is also abusive when accusing them of forgetting things, ruining their reputation, or not finishing what they started.

Name-calling:

This involves calling another person names that are negative or demeaning, such as “stupid,” “idiot,” or “worthless.” Or the abuser is negatively referring to one’s ethnicity, gender, race, religion, or state of medical health. This person might try to disguise name-calling as teasing to cover the harm. For example, they may say, “Women are always so emotional.”

Manipulation:

A person using verbal abuse may repeatedly pressure someone else, often subtly. This kind of manipulation allows them to order someone to do something without directly staying it. These examples include, “If you really cared about me, you would do this,” and, “If you do that, everyone will think you’re a terrible person.”

Ways to overcome verbal abuse

Once verbal abuse begins, it tends to become a pattern in the relationship. Many perpetrators will either discourage, physically prevent, or threaten the victim to stop talking with others about the problem. Over time, it can affect one’s self-esteem and isolate them, making it harder to reach out for help.

Suppose verbal abuse occurs at work from a boss or co-worker. In that case, it should be reported to the company’s human resources department for counsel on how to handle the situation.

In other situations, such as relationships with family, friends, or at home, set clear boundaries, such as refusing to engage in abusive arguments or reducing contact with these people. For example, make a safety or exit plan with a person you trust who fully understands the situation. This is especially important in cases involving children and domestic partners.

If you are experiencing verbal abuse, you can often benefit from a certified counseling therapist. Select one who specializes in trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, or emotional abuse.

written by: Andrea Zintz, Ph.D.

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Titanium by Sia (Madilyn Bailey Cover)

boss myself around

This is a short video so I’ll keep this blog short too…

Sometimes I don’t want to do the stuff that I need to do… so I have to get on my own case about it all and just start bossing myself around. lol

That’s all – stay tuned for more cleaning videos, coming to a Deslob Channel near you!

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

dana’s container concept

For those that already know about Dana K White and her container concept – you will know that I don’t really do her teachings justice with this video. If you want to learn more for the brilliant lady herself, here is the link to her blog post: https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/2010/05/ooooooh-container-now-i-get-it/

As for me, I’ll update you on my life in the journal entry below:

Digital Journal for Feb 3rd – My husband wanted to share a song with me… I knew it was going to be GOOOOD so I hit record on my camera phone and asked him if he’d dance with me while it played. He was more than excited to do so which is surprising to me because he never used to want to dance with me when we were together. It was always like pulling teeth when I’d ask. But he jumped at the chance to do so now. Wow. I was surprised already. Then I was surprised even more because as the lyrics played, he cried as he looked deeply into my eyes.

We weren’t really dancing, we just swayed back and forth. Kinda like what my heart keeps doing from week to week… one minute I love him, the next I hate him… ugh, learning to trust after domestic violence might be the most challenging thing someone might ever have to do. Most people who’ve been abused need YEARS of healing before they allow even a NEW person back in their lives. That’s because PTSD runs deep in the soul that’s been crushed time and time again. Just ask anyone who has left a scary relationship and now chooses to be single… ask them what their biggest fear is with finding “love” again. They would tell you they don’t want to feel trapped again. They don’t want to be put in such a vulnerable space again. Why would want to do that do ourselves where we MIGHT be abused again. Why Take the risk? What can we DV survivors gain by taking such a risk? What is it about us that makes us attract these types of people in the first place?

That’s where I am right now anyway. Yes, I love him, but I don’t want to be so vulnerable EVER again. Now he’s asking me to trust HIM again?!? I would love to repair things with him but can I move past the pain? I am not sure I want to put all my eggs in his basket. I need to think thru this more.

I truly believe he wants to be a better man… but I know that doesn’t mean I have to take him back. I’ve got tons to think about. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not in a desperate situation. I have choice, I have NORMAL married woman freedom for the 1st time in 16 years. He says that I would still have my freedom if I moved back in. But is that REALLY true? If so, how long would it last?? Until he gets triggered again? If so, is that going to make me feel imprisoned again? Why would I want to give my freedom up so quickly?

I miss my kids tho… maybe this is healthy for them to see their parents NOT give up? Maybe it’s better for them to see their parents work at repairing their marriage? Or is it better that I stand my ground and walk away? Is it better for me to NOT cave & move back in, even if my children don’t come with me to a home I don’t have?

I’m not sure what is best for me, or what is best for our kids… all I know is that I refuse to move back in right away, if he really wants me back – he has several more jealousy and rage things to address. The only difference between now and then is NOW I know it’s not mine to carry, that’s HIS healing that HE needs to do… it’s my job to take care of ME and my kids and it’s my job to keep us safe… so only time will tell.

I can tell his tears were genuine, especially paired with this song.

These powerful lyrics made me cry too!

The song is by John Schneider, you know that guy from The Dukes of Hazzard … cool, right?

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Young Man by John Schneider

original link to his video on his youtube page here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FlextKdns7g0IROC9RmEA

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/