Month: May 2022

[version 3] 4/13 vlog: looking for something new

This chair means a lot to me.
It’s the nicest piece of furniture that I have EVER bought for myself.
Yes, I bought it USED, YES, it even came with its own stains from random strangers at the height of the Covid pandemic… but it’s an Ethan Allen chair!

Do I deserve a nicer chair in this corner, yes.
But I’m emptying the storage unit, and I shouldn’t have to throw it out just because there is no space for it…

so Jim tossed his old chair and took a corner of the couch so that I could have a corner in the living room for MY CHAIR.

This chair symbolized making a choice FOR ME!

If you look back at the early bedroom videos of 2020, I took out the exercise equipment and replaced it with this chair – I also tore my ACL sitting down in this chair. I would do youtube videos and LIVE-streams and personal video journals here too… I took it to my apartment and hardly used it in my bedroom but it brought me comfort when I knew I was going to have to move. Because in my darkest hour, I thought of my chair in the storage unit and I knew it would be the CENTER FOCAL piece to my serenity storage unit every time I daydreamed about it.

Now I just need to get a cover for it.

As for the rest of the video, it says some good stuff… I’m not going to type it all here… let me just say, I’m catching up on my vlogs and I have more to share with you so keep watching – I will get to the “cleaning” videos soon!

Thank you again for your support!

version 1 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp_eK8Te3n0
version 2 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIuDYHJ_NYs

Music: Positive Motivation by purple planet
& I Choose You by Alessia Cara

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

[version 2] 4/13 vlog: i’ve been going thru changes

This video talks about what I “truly, truly, truly” want – and if I’m being honest… I can’t commit to him 100% right now. So I will tread lightly because I want to be with my kids every day again, but I refuse to put myself into a dangerous situation where I feel trapped again.

This means I will accept my husband and all his “changes” until I don’t accept him anymore. Why? That’s because I am going through changes. I can be a respectable woman but that doesn’t mean I have to be “his” to control again. Does that make sense?

I love the lyrics, aren’t they perfect?

Honestly, we’re on ’til we’re off.

But sometimes Honesty isn’t enough.

It’s killing me to watch him go through changes and continue to reject him – so I will accept him until I don’t… that’s the best I can offer right now.

Lately, I’ve been over-exposing my inner thoughts and I hope that sharing these April 13th SONG VLOGS clears a little bit more of it up.

My mental health is the most important thing to me right now. It has to be – and without it, I am no good as a mother, employee or even a wife.

I HAVE to keep practicing self-care – now… if you stay tuned for video number 3 for April 13th, I will put a more “positive” spin on everything I am saying.

Thank you again for your awesome comments and for cheering me on, I appreciate it!

Music: and if I’m being honest by Heather Sommer
& Embrace by Sappheiros

version 1 here: https://youtu.be/sp_eK8Te3n0
version 3 here: https://youtu.be/mCZU9Cbl_JA

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

[version 1] 4/13 vlog: taking things out of storage

If you have been watching for a while, then you will know how much of a big deal it is for me to move my stuff back into my husband’s house. And if know how much this decorated storage unit means to me then you understand why I am making a lot of emotional videos about both!

So, today, I’m going to annoy everyone with 3 versions of the same vlog, basically.

But I had SOOOOO much to share, so many songs that help elaborate my feelings much better than I ever could.

This song, however, could be a better explanation of how my husband is feeling. He never has stopped loving me, and now that I’m doing my best to hold my boundaries, it makes it hard when he’s always kissing and loving on me. He tells me things like “I can’t stop myself” and “I am so lucky to get another chance to make this work”. So when I heard this song, it helps illustrate what I’m up against, doesn’t it?

Now it’s my turn to share my feelings… yes, again – be sure to catch the other 2 versions of April 13th’s vlog.

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Stop Myself by Soran

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

group: 4/12/2022

Once in a while, I will record the thoughts and feelings that I am building up the courage to say in my 12-step group… and this is just a small portion of what I shared that evening. If this video doesn’t show my truth, my raw honesty of how fricken scared I am to be CHOOSING to move back in with my husband… I don’t know any other video that would.

But, instead of letting my fear of him control my decisions, I CHOOSE to be with him anyway – I got to get back to my kids. I got to go back and be in their lives every day again, they need me – not just for practical reasons, but mainly for the emotional support! Now that I’m stronger, I hope I will be able to prevent myself from falling into a deep depression again. I know my husband loves me, and he can be a really good guy sometimes… I just wish he was a better man. 😥

Music: Better Man by Little Big Town
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

on april 11th…

ok… now we’re getting serious.

Once I put this all out there I can’t take it back…
I know that.

I need to heal from my mommy issues once and for all.
I need to be honest about my relationship with my husband too.

I am scared.. but I’m heading in feet first anyway I suppose.

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Music: Can-Can by Offenbach

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

couch time

Earlier this month I had 152 subscribers… now I only have 150.
I believe I only get 10 views on average per video… and most people don’t even watch the whole video. That’s ok. I’m kinda glad they don’t.

Call me an odd duck. Call me whatever you want – I don’t care.
I am who I am and I enjoy making my videos.

As I notice my subscriber count dwindling down each week I am reminded of WHY I do DO these videos in the 1st place. . .

It’s not for popularity – it’s not for monetization, it’s not even for attention.

I make these videos for me, myself and I. I share these videos to the worldwide web with the hope that there is someone out there that GETS me, that UNDERSTANDS me and maybe my videos will help them – if they aren’t helping the majority of my viewers, that’s totally fine, move on to the next video – I never set out to be some famous youtube – in fact, when I started mentioning Dana K White in my videos, I noticed more and more people started watching, more people started subscribing and well, I’m sorry – I’m not doing MORE Dana K White videos any time soon – I don’t even have a HOUSE to clean and tidy up yet!

So I will just show you my COUCH TIME video here.. the video that is chalked full of songs that help educate and explain my feelings about this entire marriage. Do I love him, yes, parts of him I do – am I fearful of him, yes sometimes, should I stay away? I really should – but want to be near my kids, so I will play nice and live in each moment… let’s just call it a complicated relationship.

Music: What Would You Do by Tate McRae
& Slower by Tate McRae
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

light in your eyes

As I struggle back and forth between loving my husband for the man he is becoming and fearing him for the man he used to be… I am doing my best to take my therapist’s advice and just be present in the moment NOW and not look too far into the future and don’t hold him to the past either.

This song sums it up rather nicely… at the end of the day – I choose to love him and maybe if this wonderful man can keep it up – I will move back in with him soon.

Music: I Choose You by Sara Bareilles – I Choose You
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

a woman’s touch

With the recent passing of my Grandma, it reminds me, again, that LIFE IS TOO SHORT – we need to take action in the current NOW and stop waiting to do all the things we want to do “someday”.

So, I decided that I wanted to go to my Grandma’s memorial – but the only way that I can afford to do that is to STOP paying for my outrageous storage fees and free up that money so I can use it on these outrageous gas prices instead!

One of the 1st steps to getting my stuff out of an expensive storage unit is to figure out where I’m going to put all my stuff. When I moved out of my apartment, I wasn’t ready to just “get rid” of everything that I own. But my husband and I had a lot of heart to hearts… as he does his best to be aware of his triggers, get help for his rage issues and continue admitting when he’s done wrong, I step back and look at his house as a viable option to at least, store my stuff.

But that’s not where this ends – he wants me to move back in of course.

I want to be with my children.
I want to be a family again.
I want to believe that my husband is making a serious turnaround.
I stew in my confusion and go back and forth on the merry-go-round between fear and reality and dare I say “HOPE”.

I don’t know which direction to go right now… so I let it go to my Higher Power and just wait until I can feel a strong direction for life.

The plan is to STILL live with my mom until June 1st as I wait for direction – but meanwhile, my family and I are bonding again – we are spending time together – we are making plans for my re-entry.

The 1st of these plans is to get the couches out of storage. My couch set is nicer than Jim’s couch set so fine – I will give Jim my couch set. If I end up moving in, then the couch set becomes OURS, if I don’t – I will have to buy myself another couch set. But before we do that – Jim needs to regrout the flooring.

If you ever watched any my older videos of this living room, it used to have carpet with a small section of walkway near the door that was tiled. Well, shortly after I left, to keep him from raging in an unhealthy way – and to prevent him from crashing emotionally, he got productive and ripped out the nasty carpet.

Eventually, he started to lay the flooring but he was lazy about it and didn’t want to get on his hands and knees to grout it properly. The floor was so bad, tiles were breaking. So Jim said, if we are going to move the couches in here – we need to regrout the floor 1st.

So that’s the plan – we cleared out the front room, regrouted the living room and we’re getting ready for my couches. All while I turn it over to God and recognize that I’m a moving target, I never finish what I started and Jim apparently doesn’t either! HA-HA!

Ok – I will see you on the next video!
Thanks for watching and supporting me during this journey!

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
& Trust in You by Lauren Daigle
& Face Myself by Gabriel

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

for my grandma jean

My Grandma Jean passed away peacefully in sleep, sounded by her loved ones on April 7, 2022. She was 85 years old. My Uncle found this song and wanted me to help him with a musical slideshow for her memorial. I asked him for the photos that he wanted to use. While I waited, I grieved my Grandmother’s passing in the best way that I knew how… to create a song vlog! I ended up making my own slideshow the day after she passed away and I think the best part of it is the video clip where you can hear my dad directing his mom on how to tell the joke about the grandkids… again and again. lol.

You can hear them laughing and having a good time… and it makes me hope and wonder if they are laughing and having a good time together in heaven now. They had a very special bond and it tore her up when my dad died at the very young age of just 38. Once in a while, we would hear her laugh again as she does in this video but she really wasn’t able to bounce back to her happy-go-lucky self again after losing her son. I am not as sad for her that she is gone, just sad that they are both not here with us anymore.

I love you, Grandma, I will miss you!

Music: Jean by Oliver
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/