I am depressed… I also have ADHD… oh and I’m slob. Put that in the mouth of my sentence on my daughter and there you have it… Like Mother, Like Daughter.
My daughter is struggling like many other 11 years old are right now during the pandemic. Prior to the pandemic, the balance between work and fun was already tricky enough. Making sure her homework was done, keep her laundry clean, tidying her room, and making sure she had time to have fun & be a KID were all important.
Now that she hasn’t seen any school friends in a very long time, she also started showing signs of depression. I told her that when she was ready, she could invite a friend over for a sleepover – and I even offered to help clean her room with her.
Well, that day finally came. She finally got motivated… but she didn’t want my help. Dad helped her carpet clean her floor, but other than that, she did it all by herself. We are so very proud of her.
Is it perfect? Of course it’s not. But it looks sooooo much better than it did. Don’t you agree? I’m going to continue being the best example that I can be for my daughter and I will praise her accomplishments. I refuse to hound her about her room and make her feel worse than she already does. Why? because that doesn’t help anyone… at least, in my opinion.
Comment below if you can relate. And thanks for following us on our journey. Music: “Eyes Wide Open” by Beth Crowley
If you are not familiar with Beth’s work, please visit her channel at https://www.youtube.com/user/bethj007 – she writes songs about depression, love, heartache – you name it. And she does a very beautiful job of it. No copyright infringement intended. Just a fan, loving the art she creates! 😉
Help! I cleaned out the hutch but I only made a bigger mess! There was a short window of motivation that I had when I attempted to find a new home for all the clutter I wanted to keep… and I hope that window comes back.
When it does, I’d be very interested to know what solution YOU HAVE to keeping the odds & ends that you don’t want to get rid of. Things that DO NOT have a home… where do you place them? Me… I stored them in my hutch and now they are collecting dust in the SHE-SHED that I never visit anymore.
There’s GOT to be another solution! I hope the solution is NOT to toss it.
Meaning… I hope you seriously can come up with some good ideas. Because I am drawing a blank!
Well… I couldn’t do it. Not cold turkey anyway. I convinced myself that I wasn’t as bad as I thought, I convinced my brain that I didn’t need to do a detox of all things pleasurable.
My poor husband tried to help me through it but I was too busy making my “detox” about him and couldn’t help but think this was his way of trying to control me. Now my brain feels more confused than ever before.
So while this “Detox Weekend” may have not looked the way I hoped it would… I managed to get the hutch cleaned off & organized and I am so very proud of this.
Watch to see the “big reveal”. I hope you’re not as disappointed with my Detox Weekend as I am. I am at least proud to gave gotten the bookshelf cleaned off!
On the day I made this video, I also wrote this in my journal:
“I am both depressed, so much I can’t function. But if “all is well” then I’m perfectly fine. I think I have gotten to the root of my depression… I seem to only be utterly and severely depressed when I am not feeling “high” off my partner. If he is unhappy with me, I am inconsolable. If he is pleased with me, I am functionable at best. I need to figure this thing out, because I feel like I am losing my mind. Hi, my name is Crystal and I am a codependent. I am addicted to the high that I get when I get my husband’s approval or approval and validation from others.
So, the plan: I am turning off my phone & computer for 3 days… I’m gonna try to detox from both Jim (my love bomb partner) as well as all other sources of where I seek dopamine and validation. I recognize how addicted I am to both of these things and I really need to learn how to live with my own thoughts. I need to see if I can purely self soothe… without the distraction and constant temptation to get my “fix” from outside sources. Otherwise, I will continue to drive myself crazy.”
This video is the 1st part of 2 to demonstrate what lengths I willing to go through to get a “dopamine fix” during a Detox Weekend. I was withdrawing so hard, I was willing to clean out my hutch. Wow… this must mean I need to probably detox from dopamine more often! As far as validation goes… I’m still working on that. But the Detox Weekend REALLY helped me learn a few things about myself that I didn’t know before.
Yes, I am a slob, doing my best to heal my depression so that I can deslob my house and ultimately improve my life. It’s a process. Thank you for joining me on my journey.
For videos that helps explain more about the love bomb addiction, as well as the dopamine addiction, click on the links below.
Can I call myself a minimalist if do a minimal amount of decluttering?
hahaha Probably not.
I know I butchered the name stuff. I apologize for that, truly.
Thank goodness you don’t come to my channel to learn about anything…
Is this video boring? Probably.
We try to make it fun with stickers and music and other quirky things… but we get it – 20 minutes is a lot of time to dedicate to one video so we don’t take it personally if you don’t care to watch all the ramblings that go on in a Crystal’s brain.
But as a recovering slob with ADHD, I needed to do SOMETHING to get the juices of motivation flowing… so this what I came up with! Thank you, Rachael Jones, for providing the consistent support that you do on your youtube and Facebook pages (and everywhere else that I have yet to discover!) I hope to continue my 2020 items decluttered in 2020 – I know I will need to beef it up quite a bunch more if I *REALLY* want to see a dent of clutter in my house… we’ll get there, we promise! 🙂
I’m not sure if any of you remember your wedding vows…
I know I hardly remember mine. But some KEYWORDS that stick in my mind are “for better or worse, sickness & in health” and other important stuff… like “honor & cherish”.
I have had the opportunity and responsibility to look at my situation with both a harsh light, as well as with a compassionate light.
The journey is full of ups and downs and frankly- never-ending.
I have both the opportunity to view my husband as an “evildoer” or someone who isn’t doing well. In other words, I have concluded that he is not well. As his wife, in sickness and in health, I get to learn boundaries. I get to learn unconditional love, I get to learn WHO I am based on MY VALUES and what I am willing and NOT willing to put up with. It is my responsibility to teach others how to treat me. Even if I didn’t do so well with this in the past.
And because I am learning all of this, **HE** gets to learn all of this about me too. This is HIS opportunity to learn WHO I am, and he gets to take responsibility for his actions as well. He gets to learn unconditional love too. Of course, I am not naive – this is going to take work. And it might not even be enough.
But if I don’t try – and if he doesn’t try – and if we end up calling it quits – we will always wonder if we really gave it all we got.
You see, my part in what I bring to the relationship is not as simple as being a “victim” of emotional abuse. I have my own demons. In my search for autonomy, I have realized that I am both needy for love and attention – and I will go to some pretty shady lengths to get it. I will be codependent to some pretty f’d up behaviors. It’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, I fight every day to NOT sacrifice my value for the sake of my husband’s love and attention. I deserve a relationship where I can be my authentic self – and he deserves a woman who feels comfortable being herself around him. The vicious cycle of neediness and codependency is really something!
Yet, I did it anyway. And not just with material gifts, I also gave him physical attention that my inner self HATED to give. Many times I would refuse to give it up hoping that he would give me what I needed 1st. The longing for sincere love and validation killed me inside. I thought that I wasn’t good enough to be loved unconditionally without giving a man what he wanted first.
Eh -hem – the exact opposite of UNCONDITIONAL love! The disturbing thing is… I grew addicted to this type of love. The terrible addiction to thinking I wasn’t good enough without giving into him all the time caused me to feel like a victim. The foundation of our marriage was built on the neediness that we had towards each other. In essence, we had a jello-like foundation that we tried to build a life on.
Imagine that… a house built on jello.
How unstable would that be? Walls and stairs and roofs would jiggle with a foundation made of jello! And so did our love, our trust, our security.
Neither of us felt emotionally safe in our marriage. So we continued to seek for each other’s approval. Tit for tat. This for that. You did this for me so I’ll do this for you. Oops You didn’t love me right so I will have to punish you and ha ha, now I won’t “love” you in return!
And Wa wa wah! I need attention! I can’t self soothe!
Show me affection damn it or you will be sorry!
We both did it to each other. The constant trade-off was no longer worth it to me nor was the possibility of his ultimate rejection. It was all too much.
Once I started to remove myself from the game… he became emotionally abusive even more.
I had to separate myself and find who I was without him. He needed to see that “conditional love” is just a synthetic dumb game we play, not the organic safe haven we were looking for. This type of expectation built relationship is not the way we are going to survive this.
He sees it now, but changing behavior and habits is harder and takes time.
Now I only visit him in his bedroom for a cuddle ONLY if and when I want to. If and when I’m able to. If and when I’m being true to myself and only if it speaks true to me.
It’s a trip how I’ve been able to take my power back compared to putting all my eggs in his basket before.
He has been in individual therapy for a year and a half. I’ve been going every week to my own for almost 3 years. We had some work to do on ourselves before we could rejoin stronger and stop the love-bombing cycle.
He hated our new bedroom arrangements at first but he soon learned that my healing wasn’t about him, it was about me and healing my Complex PTSD. I learned that his healing wasn’t about pleasing him, I allow him to struggle and trust that his growth will come eventually. The best part is… he is finally getting real about his b.s. too. He now knows that we need to remove the jello and rebuild on a solid foundation. We can’t move forward with the new foundation that we want for our marriage without healing our trauma 1st.
And this is what unconditional love looks like.
It’s accepting each other – flaws and all.
But you have to love yourself enough FIRST to STOP the behavior from continuing. Take a step back – lay down a new foundation. Heal past trauma.
I’m not sure if any of this made sense – but my goal was to just blog about what I’m going through – which in turn, helps me unpack all this emotional clutter that keeps me stuck. Once I am feeling better, the goal is to unpack the ACTUAL clutter of the house – and ultimately – be LESS of a slob.
One step at a time. One Step. at a time.
Music: a Katy Perry cover of “Unconditionally” sung & played by Ester Aitchison
I have been emotionally abused (on and off) for nearly 15 years. After being told false beliefs that my husband had, over and over – I started to believe the same things about me that he believed. For example, I use to have it in my head that if I did not “obey” my husband’s requests, I will inevitably act on my so-called “slutty and trashy” instincts, that “most women have”. He believed that he needed to control me so prevent me from cheating on him. And because of my own childhood trauma, I believed him. So I allowed him to guide me and make my decisions for me until I woke up one day and realized… I am NOT who he fears me to be! I can make good choices WITHOUT him monitoring every move I make.
But then, because of my insecurities and self-doubt, I quickly forgot about my inner strength. Then I would find it again, then I’d forget again. A constant back and forth of standing up for myself and falling meek to his “wisdom”. This back and forth mentality kept me depressed and my depression kept me from doing things I needed to do. Like cleaning my house, my car, spending time with my kids and friends, and other family members. My depression kept me from enjoying life. To get to the root of my depression, I had to learn how to find my truth and my self-worth. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point where I am finally living in my strength. It’s taken me a long time to believe that I am NOT TRASHY LIKE THE CAR!
I was lost… and for many years I didn’t know my self-worth. This video is meant to educate and support anyone who might also be feeling they are lost. Like peeling back layers of an onion, just take it one step at a time.
Physical abuse is any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact. In most cases, children are the victims of physical abuse, but adults can also be victims, as in cases of domestic violence or workplace aggression.
Sexual abuse is obviously sexual. Everyone understands what it means when someone you’re not involved with sexually abuses someone else. We all agree this type of behavior is WRONG. But many people don’t realize that sexual abuse can happen in committed relationships too. Whether it be a long term boyfriend or a husband, spousal sexual abuse is a form of domestic violence. When the abuse involves threats of unwanted sexual contact or forced sex by a woman’s husband or ex-husband, it may constitute rape, depending on the jurisdiction, and may also constitute an assault.
I need to remind you:
If you or someone you know is being physically or sexually abused please call the abuse hotline at: 1−800−799−7233 even if you just need someone to talk to.
And I promise you – I am not currently being physically abused and I have not been in that situation for over 10 years… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t fear it. I am just learning how to push through my fears and face the possibility that I may get hit again for speaking my truth, for standing up for myself – and if that happens, I will make decisions to leave at that time. But if it doesn’t, then we will have grown beyond our former selves and be better off for it. Right?
In the meantime, let’s all continue to speak our truth and live in our strength. We’ve got this.
I promise, I am getting more videos ready for you besides these informational abuse videos. But in the meantime, please watch this one as another tool to add to your toolbox of what a toxic relationship looks like. You never know if a family member experiences things like this and could use your advice on what to do. So many of us enter into relationships blindly because of our innate ability to turn the other cheek, endure another blow and push through our sadness… we ignore red flag after red flag and do our best to fit the mold that our partner wants us to be.
I am done fitting into my husband’s mold. I am done wearing the mask that kept the TRUE ME hostage. I am ready to break free and either be accepted for who I am, or not. But I will not be caged anymore! I am not going to seek the validation anymore. I will no longer prostitute my integrity in exchange for a man’s approval. I am me, and he can take or leave it.
So far… he’s learning how to accept me.
He doesn’t want me to leave.
Is that good news?
It is for now.
He will either learn to let go of the behaviors that have kept me feeling like a caged dog, who couldn’t leave her house without a tight leash, or he won’t. Only time can tell. And since right now, I only have time… we can’t just yet tell.
This video talks about Minimizing, Denying and Blaming. It also talks about Emotional Abuse too. There will only be one more video in this series and he will talk about Physical and Sexual Abuse. I need to remind you – I am not currently being physically abused and I have not been in that situation for over 10 years… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t fear it. I would live life every day, walking on eggshells in fear that I wouldn’t do something exactly right. That is no way to live. That is why I am grateful that my husband is learning to grow and adapt to my new self. If you or someone you know is struggling with something similar, please know there is hope. You do not have to be depressed anymore! You do not have to be caged anymore. You will either leave him eventually or learn to stand up for yourself – but you can never ever change anyone else. Only *HE* can make that choice for himself.
I am making this video to show you where we are at with the back yard and sides of the house.
My husband’s tendency to hoard things in the garage has extended to the back patio and we are starting to work on it slowly, every weekend, chipping away at it one by one.
Well, he’s doing most of the work – just as he should. I have worked on these areas before but I can’t make decisions for him about his stuff. That’s his job.
The point is, we are doing the work. He’s doing the work, I’m doing the work and sometimes we will come together and do the work together.
This “work” is not limited just to the chores outside. We’re also doing the work on ourselves. This is good news.
While you watch this video, you might stay long enough to watch the next part in the series about the power and control wheel.
Let me get clear about something that I have been vague about before…
Am I a battered woman? No.
It only turned into physical abuse twice… I left him the 1st time, he promised he would never do it again. That was in January of 2010.
I came back after 1 night of sleeping at my sister’s house.
I learned how to obey him after he used physical force against me the 2nd time. (May, 2010) This is why (I THINK) he hasn’t hit me again. It’s because I choose to “obey” instead of confront him. I feel too frozen to move, to speak, or even to leave.
As I learn to find my voice and become a balanced and enlightened person, I recognize how I allowed myself to be abused. I was both emotionally and physically abused. Isolation, intimidation, financial control, you name it – it was a large reason why I was so depressed. The power and control wheel explains HOW this happens to many women and my purpose is to educate myself as well as others who are going through something similar.
And he is learning from his poor behavior as well.
This is an opportunity to grow for both of us, for both of us to “do the work” and see how far we can go with it. When many people would point fingers and call out their spouse’s character flaws, I am looking at my own self-worth and recognizing how I contributed to this recipe. My own poor behaviors helped make this relationship a disaster. He didn’t do it all by himself. Finding my balance is key – no matter what the outcome is.