I cut this song down a TON just because I had hardly ANY footage from work. I attempted to clean off my desk and even though it might not look “that bad”, compared to everyone else’s in the office, I had one of the worst desks!
And now that I had a week-long vacation planned, I wanted my desk to look better so my MESS wasn’t being left “unattended” for such a long time.
I know it’s just my fear that people are judging me for my terrible desk. I doubt they are ACTUALLY saying things that my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is saying.
So disorganized, so messy, so full of stuff, hardly any DESK space to be seen. At the end of the day, no one says anything. Just like these videos, I only rarely get LIKES or comments, people just don’t notice… and that’s ok.
Nobody really cares.
(Except Purplinda… she cares, she always lets me know that she does! Hi mama! I’m sorry for all the spinning in this video!)
Music: fck, i’m lonely by Lauv, Anne Marie & Nobody Really Cares by Baby Queen & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I can’t save us… my marriage will fall. I can’t do it all. I can’t save us… my marriage needs help.
I can only do so much. He isn’t capable of meeting me halfway. I don’t resent him for it anymore…
Maybe I’m not built for “LOVE” But does it have to end?
It’s become too much The hurt leaves me scared. This PTSD is just too much to deal with sometimes.
It’s in my heart and in my head, his words pierce me deeply. He can’t take back the things he’s said.
In my heart and in my head spin – non-stop.
I can’t save us Jim… we are going fall.
Marriage takes work, especially if the foundation is weak to begin with.
Tell me why it has to end?
Because you are done trying and I can’t save us all by myself.
It boils down to one thing. We built this marriage on shaky ground.
And unstable things are just not meant to last.
As for my shelf of clothing, it’s very symbolic of so many things.
As you can tell from the video, I am still displaced – but I have no one to blame but myself!
Stop asking for help from “outsiders” Crystal… you are in charge of giving yourself what you need 1st. Take back your power and create a safe space for yourself!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Atlantis by Seafret (Cover by Cas Cleo) & Positive Motivation by purple planet
In this video, I talk to my 12-step group about how I can see myself in Amber Heard. Not the healthy side of me, but the unhealthy side, of course.
The part of me that still clings to Jim like my very own Johnny Depp, hoping he’ll love and accept me one day for the woman I want him to see me as, not the monster I fear that I am.
I don’t know how I feel about all of these videos now that it’s been almost a month later… I don’t feel I disagree with my thoughts and feelings here, but I defiantly am not as humbled as I was last month.
In fact, I’m having a hard time NOT seeing myself as a victim of Jim’s crap the longer I stay here with him. I am having a harder and harder time seeing my choices AND making my choices despite his insecurities.
Take the end of this video, for example, I may not be a “victim” per se – but I defiantly had to make my choices on whether or not I argued with him. I could’ve apologized for “taking too long” to capture my sunset photo… and he could’ve been more patient. I could’ve just accepted that he was irritated and I didn’t have to bark at him for having feelings of irritation… my point is, I KNOW I have choice, at least I know it AFTER the incident, not always DURING the incident… and I fear that I am losing small little pieces of my self the longer I stay with him, always doubting my institution a little more and muffling my inner soul with every argument I dare not start.
All I know is that I may understand Amber Heard, but I am far too advanced in my healing and growth compared to her and I hope one day she will take all that she has learned from this whole Johnny Depp trial stuff and turn her life around for the better.
If you want to read my FULL blog post about my thoughts on Amber Heard from the other day and my “humbled” awakening explanation, click below:
I’m just gonna say it… there’s no use hiding it… so hell, I own it! I understand Amber Heard.
There I said it.
I don’t agree with her actions & words, but I understand her.
This private blog post may or may not get any readers.
My video below, may or may not get any views.
I don’t want to make it extremely public because, well, cyberbullies.
But I have the right to write what I am thinking so please allow me to elaborate my thoughts and opinions here in a “freedom of speech” sort of way.
I am going to probably piss some people off with my opinions, but that’s ok.
I am going to say some things that oppose some people and some things that support others too.
I am also going to elaborate on why I THINK Amber Heard is the way she is.
You are entitled to your thoughts and opinions, and I am entitled to mine. Here we go… I understand Amber Heard. Yes, BECAUSE I have the same NPD & BPD tendencies that SHE does. And after YEARS of searching WHY I have these tendencies; it boils down to one thing… we are all hurting. Everyone with these tendencies has 1 thing in common… we are each grasping at ways to get our needs met.
WE JUST GO ABOUT IT IN DIFFERENT WAYS TO GET OUR NEEDS MET. Some tactics are more similar than others, of course.
In this video, I talk candidly about my own NPD & BPD tendencies within my marriage. I recorded my comments after watching a reaction video to Amber Heard’s NBC interviews. The reaction video was originally streamed by a psychotherapist named “Angelica” and she split the 1-hour stream in to 2 videos. I will put the link below to her 2 videos. I used just a few minutes of her reaction in my video to help illustrate what I am trying to say. But Angelica mentions much more than I share in my video, so click on the links below. In her original reaction videos, Angelica mentions OVER AND OVER again that Amber Heard LIED about domestic violence, but she doesn’t elaborate a lot on WHY Amber Heard is sticking with her version of events.
The reason why Amber Heard is sticking to her story is because she believes it to be true! It has become a sense of identity for her! If this isn’t HER TRUTH and if HER TRUTH isn’t “THE TRUTH” then that means she MUST be the monster that everyone thinks she is. And when you are dealing with someone with a personality disorder, they have a very hard time living in the “greys” of this world. They see the world in black and white. It’s either ALL her fault or ALL someone else’s fault. The truth is that Johnny and Amber had a toxic relationship TOGETHER.
It doesn’t matter which came first, Amber’s inner chaos that she brought to the relationship or Johnny’s chaos… they both entered into the relationship and they both made unhealthy choices. Johnny see’s this and is able to take accountability for it. But to Amber, she can’t fathom what it’s like to be grey because being an innocent victim of domestic violence is the identity that she is more familiar with. She probably sees her childhood abusers as “the bad guys” so she must be “the good guy” right? And anyone that doesn’t agree with her will be against her. That’s the black and white world of where she lives in her mind and how she understands the world to be.
She learned this way of understanding the world because of her childhood trauma. Please understand, I am not excusing her actions, but I simply seek to understand myself, and this is why I can understand HER. Without understanding WHY I do what I do, I cannot learn HOW to change. I understand Amber Heard because I understand myself.
Let’s talk about the amygdala for a second, ok? What is the amygdala? The Amygdala is the integrative center for emotions, emotional behavior, and motivation. If the brain is “advanced” compared to our caveman days, you can thank our amygdala for getting us to safety all these years of evolution. It is the part of the brain that doesn’t have to THINK too hard, it just reacts. It reacts to our surroundings using our emotions, our behaviors and motivations. But we aren’t designed to operate with our amygdala for long periods of time. We have to let it rest once we reach safety.
Childhood trauma prevents us from forming a healthy sense of self because our amygdala is always in full force, doing what it has to do to survive “dangerous” situations. We can either FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE or FAWN. From an early age, we become dependent on these ways of interacting as we subconsciously assume everything is a dangerous situation. If our brain is always in “over-react mode” it will lash out at others, “lie”, say what we have to say, negotiate and become a chameleon too. Whatever we have to do to keep ourselves safe, if it has become our sense of self, then any threat to our “way of life” makes us feel WEAK and we feel unseen by those we seek love and safety from.
This is what is happening to those of us with personality disorders, our sense of self was developed or underdeveloped because we didn’t have a lot of opportunities where we felt safe in our environment. So it was like our amygdala was in overdrive… all the time. We learned how to manipulate peers, family, adults, you name it – just to control our reality and give us some sense of safety. It was a very unhealthy way to survive. Now, as adults, this sort of adaptation to our black and white world has caused us to be unreasonable. People label us as “crazy” or unregulated. We simply just don’t know any better. We are doing our best to function as we seek opportunities to continue the same behaviors, doing whatever we can to control our environment and those who threaten our warped sense of safety.
It’s called C-PTSD, or “complex post-traumatic stress disorder.” It’s not one event that occurred to give her the PTSD symptoms, it’s many smaller, more damaging things that occurred during childhood that gave her this type of knee-jerk response to handling relationships, friendships and the rest of the world. I’m not saying this is deliberate either. Despite Angelica’s assessment that Amber is acting with malice, I don’t believe that to be true. As someone fighting for safety in my “perceived” abusive relationship, I am aware enough sometimes to know that I am not the victim I think I am. But when I am triggered, I am not aware. I am reacting with my amygdala. That’s what I think is happening with Amber too. We believe everything we are saying to be TRUTH! We cling to our truth because it’s the one thing we have left to survive… we are drowning in our own self-doubt all the time, to see ourselves as a victim gives us hope that we are not the monsters we fear that we are!
Especially if there is suicidality involved. Oh boy, that’s the dangerous part of this whole thing. If there is even a moment that she saw herself as a “monster” then she probably doesn’t trust herself with that information. She probably doesn’t know what to do with it except to end it all and leave this world. But she has a daughter now. If she sits in her awareness long enough to overcome suicidal thoughts, she may not trust herself the next time awareness comes so she will avoid it at all costs. She can’t risk awareness and accountability because those inner thoughts could cause her daughter to become motherless. Essentially, she equates self-awareness as the inner demon that she wants to avoid. Self-awareness is uncomfortable. It doesn’t make sense in her black and white world, it doesn’t “fit”. It’s the enemy if it doesn’t line up with her narrative. So, she will FIGHT for her daughter… she has to FIGHT against that inner demon and she’ll cling to her truth harder than ever now!
Now that the world has taken Johnny’s side, she needs validation to keep her inner demon of “self-awareness” away… what else does Amber have to lose? All of this, still, is subconsciously decided upon. She makes decisions based on behaviors that have worked well before. Manipulation, lies, exaggerating truths, pleading, etc, but again, she doesn’t see it as clearly as you and I see it… she believes this all to be true! She is so far down her own rabbit hole, that she can’t see the light anymore. She is clamoring to her “truth” as her own means of survival now. She desperately wants OUTER love and OUTER acceptance but now that she’s lost it all, HOW does she get that? She can’t slow down her amygdala enough to just LOVE herself and accept herself.
So she reaches out and asks for a chance to tell “her side” of the story. Why NOT do the interviews and try to win back the public in the only way she knows how… by being the victim.
Was she a victim? Let’s look at that a little closer, shall we?
Let’s flip the coin over and look at Amber’s version and empathize with Amber instead of Johnny for a second. It doesn’t excuse her behavior, but if we seek to understand her, empathy is a good place to start.
Johnny too came from an abusive home, right? He wasn’t always the healthiest when it came to dealing with his issues. So I’m sure once the honeymoon phase wore off, he was ready to just move on from the Amber drama show. He often used drugs and alcohol as a way to escape her, he might’ve not known that his actions made her feel neglected. Fueling her to be even more dramatic. Yes, he probably wanted to avoid her. He did his best to enforce his boundaries such as trying to get documents signed, and from what we know, she didn’t like that. Many narcissists don’t like boundaries. So Johnny did what HE had to do to survive her. Maybe even using emotional abuse in retaliation to the emotional abuse that she was doing to him, perhaps? When Amber said she was “negotiating” I’m sure they both did negotiate with each other when things got heated, like a hostage situation. You have to negotiate if you want a safe outcome, right?
We all heard the tapes, Johnny pleaded with her too. They both were searching for emotional safety within the relationship.
This is why a judge had to be involved. Hopefully, one that wasn’t biased. But a judge that understands how to look for facts, not “truths”. A judge that knows about the human condition and how most of us fight to be right. Most of us want to go to court to win and that desire to “win” will cause most of us to only be able to see things in black and white. But not all of us will go to the lengths that Amber has done be “right”. Yes, believing and understanding BOTH of them might mean that there are 2 opposing truths but if you have experienced drama in any form, you know that perspective is a matter of maturity and many of us with C-PTSD haven’t developed this level of maturity. To develop it, one would need to heal. By practicing self-love, awareness and learning the acceptance of the world, including the greys. As a we are still reacting to the world as if it is a black and white, “dangerous” situation.
The biggest difference here is that Johnny has taken accountability for his part in the relationship. I am sure there is even MORE accountability that we don’t know of that he holds in his heart. He knows that he had a hand in how poorly this has all played out. And please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that Johnny’s version of events is NOT true, but I think they BOTH have versions that hold truths. It’s like that saying, “there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth?” It’s like a coin, you can’t just look at the side with the head and avoid the side with the tail. The relationship is not one side or the other, it’s the whole damn coin! They both exist! Believing both versions to be “true” for the person that experienced it doesn’t make the other a liar, it just means that is their perspective!
It’s called balance. Holding 2 perspectives to be equally important at the same time. If I keep learning how to allow someone else’s perspective to exist at the same time as my own, I will continue to grow and improve. If I stop the black and white thinking AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, I will keep learning how to live in the grey. Keeping my balance is the number one important thing to me. This is why you will see me talk and write about CHOICE and how remembering that I have choice keeps me out of my victimlike mind frame. It keeps me accountable, it keeps me balanced. It keeps me humble to own my bull shit too.
This is also why I am going to my 12-step meetings for Codependency. It’s to learn HOW to stop being the victim and take back my power. There are hundreds of groups out there that teach this through 12-step meetings, do you think Amber Heard has ever stepped foot in one of them? Of course not, people like her refuse to get help for their own bullshit contributions. I too was afraid to face my defects of character. Many of us are VERY AFRAID, we’d rather live in denial than face it head-on. Because when we are too consumed in our black and white thinking to be aware of our own bull shit, we can’t function if we are the “bad guy.” If people with childhood trauma (or any other unhealthy situations they have going on) don’t develop a healthy sense of self, they will always see other people as the enemy. Especially if our FOUNDATION of who we are is to “be the victim”. So of course, the cycle will continue where instead of taking accountability, we turn outward again and blame everyone else for our problems. If we start to feel out of control, we then TAKE control and want to consume everyone in our path, so we NEVER feel like the “bad guy” again! As for the histrionic personality disorder stuff, I don’t relate too much to the seduction side and how the psychology professionals explain it to be like, that’s the one part that I’m not all that certain on, but I do relate a lot to how RedDecember02 describes it. I relate to her version of how it “feels” a lot. I included a shorter version of her video within my video.
This is how I am able to understand Amber and Johnny’s toxic relationship. It’s because I am often in battle with my own sense of self as I learn to recover from my own C-PTSD and personality tendencies. I understand her because I struggle with my own marriage. Because I am too busy focusing on one side of the coin that I often forget there’s more to this coin than my own perspective. Amber doesn’t see that yet and perhaps now you too can understand Amber Heard’s version of her truth.
Thanks for reading if you did. Thanks for watching if you did.
Thanks a million and 2 if you tell me that you did.
Thank you!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet CLICK HERE to get the link to the 1st RISE ABOVE ABUSE video & CLICK HERE for the 2nd one!
Lyrics: If you could see yourself From the outside in You’d say “You don’t have to be more thin”, it’s okay And if you could see yourself From above the sky I think you’d say that “You’re doing fine”
Life is short until it’s not Honestly, it’s kinda long And it takes a while to come around People always let you down Find the ones that get you Stick to them like hot glue Dance if you want to
‘Cause you’re not special, babe (no!) I know you feel like your life is one big mistake I am right there on your side You’re not special, babe (no!) ‘Cause we all go from heartbreak to happy to heartbreak Some things just don’t change
You, you’re an adult now Make your own to-do list And eat whatever you want for breakfast, yeah
Get a job just to get by Spend your money ’til you die Some people don’t stick around But, don’t let yourself down Find the ones that get you Stick to them like hot glue And dance if you want to
‘Cause you’re not special, babe (no!) I know you feel like your life is one big mistake I am right there on your side You’re not special, babe (no!) ‘Cause we all go from heartbreak to happy to heartbreak Some things just don’t change
Everyone cries, everyone lies, everyone hates you Everyone’s so scared of the future, it’s true Everyone fucks up and then breaks up and then makes up Everyone has days where they don’t wanna wake up Everyone loves, everyone loses, and they’re on their own When everyone else is covered in bruises, but we feel alone And everyone hears us, but they all seem to ignore us Everyone else wants to get right back to the chorus
You’re not special, babe (no!) I know you feel like your life is one big mistake I am right there on your side You’re not special, babe (no!) ‘Cause we all go from heartbreak to happy to heartbreak Some things just don’t change
Songwriters: Orla Gartland / Thomas Stafford
Music: Feelin’ Good by purple planet & You’re Not Special, Babe by Orla Gartland & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I have to keep my mouth shut if I dare to survive living with Jim anymore.
Nope, it is no longer safe for me to speak my truth… and it only took less than 2 months.
It’s depressing and hard to say it: I can’t speak my truth out loud. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to know my truth
I may be spinning between the realization of what is and the heartbreak of what isn’t…but at the end of the day, I still get to KNOW my TRUTH.
I may have tears every day as I’m whiplashed repeatedly from re-living my fears, to living in a fantasy but when I am snapped into my reality, I get to KNOW my TRUTH.
Like a salad that is tossed back and forth between knowing my wants and remembering my needs… at the end of the day, I still get to KNOW my TRUTH.
I may be challenged often to change my mind, by the very person I crave love and approval from… but at the end of the day, I still get to KNOW my TRUTH.
Even if he doesn’t agree with my truth and manipulates me to say things just for the sake of feeling peace in the home.I still get to KNOW my TRUTH.
I may not be able to speak my truth but at least if I KNOW my truth, and continue to KNOW my TRUTH… I won’t fall into the pits of despair and lose my fucking MIND!
Now I just need to remind myself often of what I know to be true. . .
Woah, here we go again Crystal.
I can’t believe I am HERE again… feeling trapped again. Feeling defeated again.
More truths to come… I’m just getting started.
Here are the lyrics to this awesome song:
Lyrics You don’t know me, you don’t get it You really sold me, but you never met me halfway ‘Cause you don’t see it, where this train’s headed But best believe me, you’re not gonna get in my way
Does it help you sleep? Does it make you stronger To beat up on me? I can’t take it any longer
I won’t stop running down that road I’ll keep dancing ’til I die You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire So don’t stop, I’ve been here and I know You can’t quit, even when it hurts to try You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire
And you don’t know me, you don’t understand it I’m not the old me, crying in the ballroom backstage Look up and see it, where this plane’s headed That bird you let go is never getting back in that cage
Did it help you sleep? Did it make you stronger Beating up on me? I won’t take it any longer
I won’t stop running down that road I’ll keep dancing ’til I die You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire So don’t stop, I’ve been here and I know You can’t quit, even when it hurts to try You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out
My fire, I’m up in smoke Soft tires, pump that choke (come on) Who’s gonna feed the flame? Who’s gonna feed the flame? Like moonlight, you fade away Forget me, forget my face But you’ll never forget my name Don’t ever forget my name
‘Cause I won’t stop running down that road I’ll keep dancing ’til I die You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire I won’t stop, I’ve been here and I know You can’t quit, even when it hurts to try You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire
I won’t stop running down that road I’ll keep dancing ’til I die You can blow out my candle But you’ll never put out my fire (But you’ll never put out my fire)
Songwriters: Jessica Anne Newham
Music: piano moment by bensound & Blow Out My Candle by Betty Who & Embrace by Sappheiros & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Please forgive my all-too-quick moving videography to this oh-so-long video.
This is a tour of 6 different MODEL HOMES.
Starting price is just under $500,000. YIKES!
We can’t afford to buy a home for HALF that cost, let alone build a brand new home!
If you can handle my hurried videos as I rushed through each room showing the cute designs, and capturing my family’s opinions, then you might enjoy this super long video!
Please accept my deepest apologies if you get motion sickness with all the moving around. I was in a hurry and didn’t give a “proper tour” because my phone battery was about to die. I am not at all proud of the quality here, but nonetheless, it might give you a glimpse of some family dynamics.
Or maybe not.
Please click LIKE so I know you’re still with me… please?
Thank you!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I’m like the desperate girl that NEEEEEEDS a man to feel loved.
I’m like the gossipy woman bad-mouthing her husband to everyone behind his back.
I’m like the weirdo mom that embarrasses her children because she is just NOT starting to “grow up”.
I’m like that absent friend that wants her friends to talk to her but doesn’t take the time to talk to them and check-in.
I’m like the pushy employee that thinks she deserves more from her bosses because she can’t afford to live in the city that she WORKS for!
I’m the confused wife that takes 6 years to talk herself into leaving an emotionally abusive relationship only to move back in with him just 14 months later.
I’m like this annoying Youtuber that not just posts a video ONCE a day… sometimes SEVERAL times in one day. Who does that???
THIS GIRL, RIGHT HERE!
So Why am I like this, why am I like this, why am I like this, why am I?
I’ll be there in the corner thinking right over, every single word of all the conversations that I’ve had.
It’s like I’m floating, ever since being back here at JIM’s. I am not who I used to be when I had my own place. I am back to survival mode… or dissociative mode. It’s almost like I’m watching my life play out like a movie, I’m not in charge of the script, or the plot… I’m just watching each day roll into the next. I love how Orla explains it very very well in this song; she says … “it’s like I’m looking down from the ceiling above.
I’ve got my mistakes on loop inside my head.”
I’m not really sure how to stop myself from self-destructing.
I will just keep adding more videos to my video journaling Deslob Student channel… it’s one of the only things that helps me feel better anymore.
By the way; (in case you’re wondering) the estimate we were given for one bathtub and one shower was ridiculous. They wanted $23,000!
NO THANK YOU!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Why Am I Like This by Orla Gartland & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Welcome to another SONG VLOG where I share a song and video LOG my life… Blogging about it in the description/blog website.
I will share my thoughts about this song and do a quick BLOG about this video after I share the words to this awesome song.
Full Lyrics:
Take care love Dark nights can be lonely without a home I will climb inside your fears, Take the beatings for my own, if I’m able
Take care love Dark nights can be lonely without a home Dark nights can be lonely
Where did you go? This happens every time Can’t help but think that I’m Chasing daylight
You’re stuck on your own This happens every night Can’t help but think that I’m Chasing daylight
Take care love Dark nights can be lonely, without a home Dark nights can be lonely I’m ready to go Take a leap anytime Just tell me when and I’m Chasing daylight
You’re stuck on your own This happens every night Can’t help but think that I’m Chasing daylight
Take care love, Dark nights can be lonely without a home
Songwriters: Sam Duckworth / Noah Adams
Ok – now for my thoughts about this song and how it pertains to an anniversary fondue dinner for two.
Today is our anniversary, June 10th. We’ve been married 16 years.
He didn’t get me a gift. That’s ok. I didn’t expect one. I don’t mean to sound negative. I’m just #speakingmytruth HERE where I feel SAFE to do so.
He did wish me Happy Anniversary before I remembered what day it was tho… that’s something positive. Right?
I was NOT looking forward to our anniversary. It use to mean a TON to me back in the day – it was like a badge of honor for “all the things” I had to put up with. I desperately wanted acknowledgment from HIM that he appreciated all that I tolerated.
I really don’t want that badge of honor anymore. Our anniversary means more to him than it does to me nowadays. On this day, I felt like running away actually. I felt like hanging out with my mom and saying SCREW JIM!
But I treated him to The Melting Pot anyway. We had a decent time, as you can see from the video… we overpaid for melted cheese, boiled our own meat and then over-stuffed on chocolate-dipped EVERYTHING.
While some people celebrate their marriage of 16 years together, I put on a fake face and eat all the food I can shove in my face to prevent myself from falling apart… No, I’m not really “proud” of our years together.
We’ve been terrible to each other. He handed me his baggage and I took it on, willingly. Then all of a sudden I decided not to take it on anymore. All of a sudden, I decided to get healthier.
So Yes, I would love to say “Take care love” and slam the door in his face once and for all.
Look at this lyric for example: “I will climb inside your fears, Take the beatings for my own, if I’m able” refers to my husband’s abuse.
No, it’s not as bad as it “used to be” & he is still on his “best behavior” but he slips up every once in a while. I am having a really hard time trusting him and feeling secure in my environment.
He still throws his insecurities and fears on me and I still take them on as my own. I try to NOT take responsibility or change my plans for him but I still know that if I stand up to him, he will give me a verbal beating. Then I’ll believe I am wrong just to make him feel better… it’s all too much to take sometimes so of course, I am not always ABLE to do it.
I’d love to say “see you later” – but as I have already experienced… DARK NIGHTS CAN BE LONELY… especially if I don’t have a HOME.
My mom’s “home” was not MY home.
I couldn’t move my children’s beds in. I couldn’t feel RELAXED when I was there. I couldn’t afford to keep my apartment and I couldn’t afford to move ANYWHERE else in the Phoenix Valley.
What other choices did I have to get my children back?
I would go through HELL AND BACK for my kids – so yes, I guess I CHOSE to go BACK to my husband.
Despite Jim welcoming me back, I do not feel emotionally SAFE in HIS home and I can’t call it “HOME” if I don’t feel safe, can I?
I hate to say this so profoundly but I would MUCH rather be alone with my kids in my own HOME.
I also believe that God is in charge and looking out for me so I will do my best to keep on trucking. Keep on surrendering and keep on loving my husband the best that I can, DESPITE all the flaws that he has.
I surrender.
Music: Chasing daylight by NOAHFINNCE & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Deslob Student: a vlog about learning how to be less of a slob 