SONG VLOG: last day in Oklahoma

I did something my husband asked me NOT to do… he asked me NOT to post about our vacation until after we got home.

Well, I let it slip. I posted to my Facebook page that we were in Oklahoma and my brother’s ex-wife, his 1st wife (from when he was like, 18 years old) happened to live just an hour away from where we were at. I haven’t seen this woman in like 17 years!

We were like best friends for a few years. She was my sister-in-law.
She and I have only spoken a few times on Facebook but when she heard that I was so close in range to where she lived, she begged me to meet up with her before leaving town.

But was I “allowed” to?

“Um. NO.” (With a look of disgust on his face in disbelief that I would ask such a thing.)

“Hell No” was more of the tone that he used when I asked him. He didn’t have to say those words to imply that level of disagreeableness.

He didn’t feel it was “fair” for me to ask him such a question. After all, we are here to see HIS family, not my brother’s ex-wife. Ok, sure. I get it. It is not fair of me to ask us to go out of our way to see someone that ISN’T family. She isn’t the reason we are here in Oklahoma. She isn’t the main focus of our day. We have limited time here and we have many more FAMILY members to visit. How DARE I ask. I could see his point. So I agreed with him and dropped it.

But what did I do? I snuck messages to her anyway.

It honestly felt like I was two different people.

One part of me saw his point, agreed with his logic, and yet, I couldn’t believe what I was doing behind his back. The other part of me felt justified. I told her where WE would be and WHEN we would be there and left it up to HER to find me. I stressed to her the importance of how I am not in charge of where we are going and when we are going so if she can make it happen, great. Otherwise, I will have to catch up with her next time.

We stopped by a little burger place to eat lunch before visiting the next family member and I sent her my GPS location. I knew she was headed north, driving the full hour to hopefully meet up with ME and I knew that it was a long shot that I would be able to actually see her again.

Did my codependency stop me from being forthcoming and direct with my husband? It sure did. I was afraid of him getting upset with me. I was afraid of getting shut down again. If we aren’t going out of our way to meet her, then there’s nothing wrong with her coming out her way to meet ME, right?

Well, I finally told him our plan to have her meet me and no, he wasn’t happy about it, but he dealt with it.

And sure enough. She showed up.

I visited with my brother’s ex-wife (and the baby she has with her new husband.) We talked for a hot minute before I heard my husband sigh and slurp the bottom of his soda drink very rudely.

I allowed my codependency to take those passive-aggressive hints as my queue to wrap things up. I kept a smile on my face as we said “cheese” for the camera. He grunted all the way to the car as I hugged my ex-sister-in-law several times. We cried, declaring that we’d keep in touch and chat more often.

I got in the car, smiling, feeling nostalgic as I wiped a few tears and then I get the verbal, condescending husband. Rude, jerk face, ready to blame me for how LATE we now are. I endured his Nascar speeds on the freeway just because of MY little rendevous.

The whole time I was shutting down my feelings, ignoring MY wants, MY thoughts and MY feelings. I adopted my husband’s and agreed with him and I apologized for his anger too.

Why do I do this? Why am I so attached to his feelings and change myself to meet HIS needs? Why can’t I stop being the same old Crystal and spread my Butterfly wings once and for all?

I think I know… it’s because I’m afraid of change.

Maybe that’s why I stay the same.

Maybe I should leave because he reminds me every day that I’m not enough but I still stay. He should find somebody better that loves him more than I do.

I’ve been spinning in my head over dumb things that he’s said. I’ve been holding back tears while he acts like nothing is wrong, leaving me all alone to struggle with all the dumb words that he has said.

If he told me to leave, I’d be happy to go. But I still stay.

It feels like a lifetime ago when I was in my apartment just trying to get by. I didn’t like being alone as much as I say that I did… I was dying inside, wanting so badly to be with my family again.

And now, here I have them, and it’s not good enough for me.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong, loving him is one but I can’t move on.
I am not only “in love” with him, I am also trauma bonded to him.

Why can’t I stop loving him?
Why can’t I let go of him?

Sometimes he’s so negative and an asshole. He’s so clueless. He’s so… HIM.

And I’m so ME.

I don’t know what else to do God… so I let it go to YOU – again.

Music: July by Noah Cyrus
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

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