I’ve always wanted to do a video about my journals and show off my favorites and brag about my love of writing.
But this video is NOT what I had in mind.
It is rushed, it is not thought out and it is just a poor-quality video (if you ask me) but I did my best to polish it up and add a touch of FUN by choosing a song that speaks VOLUMES to what I believe my heart is screaming at me.
My heart is begging me to let it have a voice.
It wants me to write more.
Sing more.
SHARE MORE.
Not because it wants attention from others- but because it wants ME to hear it. But it’s just a little voice and I’m not listening.
I’m too busy getting through the day to slow down and listen to the little voice of my soul.
Sara Bareilles is brilliant, her song writing – her musical talents – everything about her is inspirational. I love love love this song!
And here are wonderful lyrics that my heart is BEGGING for ME to listen to (more often than I am.)
Lyrics: It’s everything I am and what I’m not And all I’m trying to be This is the part where I spit it all out And you decide what you think of me
I’m not trying to be complicated I’m never waiting to get the last laugh But I’ve been handing out benefits-of-the-doubt I’d like a little bit back
It’s just a little voice And if you’re listening Sometimes a little voice Can say the biggest things
It’s just my little voice that I’ve been missing
Looking over the precious moments It hurts don’t it They can cut both ways No amount of remembering the better things Will make the bad ones go away
But I’ve been broken and the one to blame So my savior of self-defense taught me to Sing what I can’t say
It’s just a little voice And if you’re listening Sometimes a little voice Can say the biggest things
It’s just my little voice that I’ve been missing
Music: piano moment by bensound & Little Voice – Sara Bareilles (Cover by Erika Ward & Me too!) & Positive Motivation by purple planet
If you don’t already know this: Tik Tok is a DANGEROUS app!
If you don’t already know, it can suck away SO MANY hours from your day.
This is why I rarely visit the very dangerous app.
I already have a hard time getting off Facebook, especially now that they have their Facebook REELS – but I get it, a 30-second or 1-minute Tik Tok that can capture your attention can be very addicting.
That’s called a dopamine hit boys and girls.
And as someone with ADHD, I can recognize a dopamine trap from a mile away – ok, well, maybe I can’t – But I do know that apps like Tik Tok and Facebook are dangerous for me, personally because I get hooked VERY easily.
The Tik Toks that you will see here were sent to me by my BFF Carrie.
She is an avid Tik Tok watcher.
She sends me Tik Toks that she thinks I might relate to you. From easy recipe ideas to motivational videos, videos that validate or encourage me or even videos that just make me smile.
I also have sent some Facebook Reels to her, and some to my mom and husband too. Some I send to my daughter and I’ve shared a few of my favorites here in this very random montage.
I put a reaction video here as well, because – well – you can watch Tik Toks and Reels on your own time, but if you’re here watching my favorites, I might as well watch them with you and we can chuckle or feel inspired together.
I’m not sure if I’m going to do another video like this again… maybe I will if I get a lot of good cleaning or organizing ones together – I don’t know. This was just something different that I wanted to try.
But it took way too long to download, edit, review and then of course – react. I’m gonna go now – let me know your thoughts. Which one of my favorites is your favorite?
And if you want to send me an email with your Tik Tok account or your favorite Reel, you can email me at deslobstudent@gmail.com
Thanks again for watching!
Music: is by various artists, I do not claim any music as my own & I also use piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet & every time you hear the 4 Non Blondes – “What’s Up” – please know this is because YouTube restricted me from using the original song from the original TIk Tok, even though this is just a reaction video
I know I’m a slob. I’m a keeper of things and a clutter of sentimental ideas.
But rather than watch me clean another section of my slob-like house in hyperspeed again, I just wanna share some fun ideas that were whirling around in my brain.
Today’s video is more or less about my trip down memory land remembering how I was most motivated to clean when I was a kid.
But after editing and watching this, again and again, I am starting to feel uncertain about how this video is going to be received.
I know these are just a “few” cleaning ideas and I know that this video is just laid back and not at all “official” advice. I also hope that the typical viewer understands my MANY trains of RANDOM thoughts!
I hope I’m good at explaining things.
Sometimes I fear that I might be more of a ramble-on-&-on type of speaker.
I strive to be a passionate speaker. A good storyteller. And an authentic vlogger.
Let me know if you have any constructive feedback for me, I’m totally open to it.
If I get any mean comments tho- I will just delete and take down the video.
Thanks in advance!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I love that I actually made a video about something OTHER than laundry! Yay Me! I actually think the song I chose is kinda cute too. But please make note: I have NO IDEA what this song is about, ok!?! It has a lot of fast-rapping words and it sounds like he’s talking to someone specific, I just felt the “wash your face” part was perfect and the beat was kinda catchy.
Maybe we’ll tackle the rest of the bathroom in a future video! (Maybe.)
That’s all for now – thanks for watching!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Wash Your Face In My Sink by Dream Warriors & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Because I like singing. I like performing. But I have nowhere to sing, no place to “perform”. So WHY NOT here on the secret cleaning channel that very few people watch?
I wish I was surrounded by people that would sing with me – dance with me, you know – be goofy. I really wish I had a life surrounded by people that helped me bloom in this area that I love oh so very much?
Sometimes I sing my SONG VLOGS myself – in a karaoke sort of way – sometimes I let the song stand on its own – it doesn’t need ME or MY VOICE to ruin it – but all I can say is, I make these silly SONG VLOGS for ME because I really need an outlet for my love of music.
And I obviously have OVERPLAYED this song a ton – but I absolutely love the lyrics and I almost feel as if Dorothy Clark wrote them JUST for ME!
Oh & if you’re wondering WHY I did this twice, I was too “early” to pick up my daughter the 1st time so I had to go home and come back to get her later. lol
I’m such a Hot Mess. 😛 (get it?)
Music: Hot Mess by dodie & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Ok here we go – codependency confessions, part 1 (i guess)
Today I wanted to help my husband get his computer room “under control”. It is, after all, the WORST room in the house.
But we didn’t do so well. And I’m not all that proud of even the tiny bit of progress that we did so I made the hyperspeed cleaning video SUPER TEENY in the corner while I danced around my husband in a very nerdy/awkward way.
I felt the dancing video was much more entertaining than our itty bitty dent in the computer room. Ugh. I can’t believe I messed this one up!
Curious to know what happened? Ok – allow me to start with a question:
How am I supposed to be a “supportive wife” without crossing that codependency line?
Boundaries, right?
Well – yeah, sure.
I put down boundaries and then my husband gets all bent out of shape and starts becoming childlike. Like he doesn’t know where to begin – like he doesn’t know how to do this without me. He leaves it all up to me.
Why?
So I can CONTROL this and basically tidy up this room FOR HIM?
No!
I am NOT going to clean up this computer room while he just sits there to organize JUNK!
He WILL help me or I WILL help him – but I will NOT do the majority of the work FOR him!
I didn’t say that tho.
At first, I just sat there and waited for him to tell me HOW he wanted me to help him. But he was like a deer in the headlights. I get it. He was overwhelmed. He said he wanted guidance but did he? I doubt it, because no matter what suggestions I gave him, he twisted them to suit his agenda which was to basically put the cart before the horse.
Ok, fine- so I let it go. Reminding myself that I didn’t need to control this. I found myself in the front room, waiting for him to return to HELP ME, HELP HIM. But instead, he spent the majority of his time in the computer room while I did the “dirty work” in the living room. I managed to suck it up and just deal with it for about an hour – but once I realized that he wasn’t interested in doing this as a TEAM, I freaked out. How could he leave me in the front room to dust every single piece of CRAP that he wants to KEEP when I haven’t even had MY NEEDS met?
That’s when I did my best to voice my needs.
But I didn’t feel like he was open to listening.
I didn’t hold my boundaries well. I fell apart.
I didn’t advocate for myself BEFORE things got out of hand.
Now I sit here typing this to you – several days later to honestly say – it’s not his fault. It’s mine. Me and my codependency got me into trouble again. Like a runaway train, I couldn’t stop it once it started and the next thing I know, I’m crying myself to sleep in my safe room, taking a much-needed nap and crying on camera the minute I woke up.
It’s nuts guys how deep my codependency runs. Why can’t I just be UNAPOLOGETICALLY CRYSTAL?
Why can’t I just be authentic and TRUE to who I am?
Is being codependent just part of my nature? I hope not, because it doesn’t make me happy to chase approval from others – especially my husband.
But this song is BRILLIANT.
I love singing to it, jamming out to it – reminding myself HOW I’m codependent, even in the moments that I don’t realize that I’m codependent. I’ve been making my secret clean with me videos for a long time – and I keep complaining about my husband, yes – but the truth of the matter is, I need to start OWNING my part in this. And that’s it.
My healing starts with me and ENDS with me.
My happiness comes from NOWHERE ELSE besides the happiness that I tap into INSIDE of ME!
Thank you Orla for writing such a brilliant song!
Here are the Lyrics:
I’m not happy if you’re not happy And I swear that you’re always sad You’re pathetic, I resent it When you’re down, it hurts so bad
It’s like I’m half alive But it’s not your fault Your life, it isn’t mine But I hate it
I think I’m the problem with you And I don’t know what to do And I see that’s why they call it codependency
Oh, if I go runnin’, you’ve got nothin’ I tackled you to the ground And made you say that I’m good at singin’ I keep diggin’ Tell me I’m worth it, tell me I’m perfect
It’s like I’m half alive And it’s all my fault Sometimes I wanna die And I realize
That I’m the problem with you And I don’t know what to do And I see that’s why they call it codependency Ooh, that’s why they call it codependency
And I’m cryin’ out to be more Than some little dog that just sits around At your feet, that’s not me
Oh, it isn’t black and white ‘Cause you f*cked up too You know it only hurts ’cause it’s true
That I’m the problem with you And I don’t know what to do And I see that’s why they call it codependency Ooh, that’s why they call it codependency Ooh, that’s why they call it codependency
I’m not happy if you’re not happy And I swear that you’re always sad (ooh) You’re not happy if I’m not happy And I swear that I’m always sad
Music: energy by bensound & Codependency by Orla Gartland & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I think it’s funny how the universe works. Because no matter what things we have piled on our plate or how much we HAVE TO get done… LIFE has a way of forcing us to slow down to just REST sometimes. I felt I was spinning a little too fast (in my mind) and wound up tight and unable to catch a moment for myself.
Then BAM – I caught COVID – yes, again!
It was way worse than the 1st time too. I was miserable for at least 4 days and by the time day 5 came around, I felt like a million bucks (in comparison) but still had lots of leftover side effects, like drainage, cough & all the tired/achy muscles all over my body.
The worst of my “side effects” was being stuck at home with my husband for all those days. He was terrific on day 1, but by day 2 – he was sick too. So he was not only useless and stuck in bed with me, he was CRANKY AS HELL!
All I wanted to do was go back to my old apartment, have my own bed to myself, shut out the world and just sleep.
I tried going to my safe room (the one with the day bed) but I was interrupted constantly and my codependency wouldn’t allow me to just stay away from everyone. You know, what you’re “supposed” to do when you covid?!?
Well, that didn’t happen.
My son ended up getting covid too and it was my daughter that ended up taking care of us in those first few days. She must be immune or something – she didn’t catch covid the 1st time I got it either, but my husband & son caught it from me BOTH times!
By the time I started feeling better, I was able to tidy up my desk, apply for the promotion at work and take care of the pile of laundry that I kept sitting on every day.
The vlog update is just to basically say – I’m still truckin’ along.
Now that I’m feeling better, but still isolated from work – I’m able to get many things caught up like some Deslob Student videos!
CDC guidelines have changed slightly compared to when I had covid the 1st time so I won’t be getting a TON of time off of work (like last time) but that’s ok, I am sick and tired of being stuck here at the house with my cranky husband anyway!
(In all fairness, I’m pretty cranky myself – as I might be starting the majority of the fights. But he’s far worse, I promise!)
As I type this to you, I am still tired. I have some sinus headaches that I can’t seem to get rid of and I still have a cough but only if I find myself trying to talk too much in one breath. I’m getting my taste and smell back and I’m breathing just fine.
I haven’t been vaccinated yet this year, but I wonder if that’s why my symptoms were worse this year than last time – I was vaccinated last year and my symptoms and side effects were mild compared to all this.
With as overweight as I am, I really am fortunate that it’s not impacting me MORE than it has. I really need to lose some weight soon and start moving my body more – I can feel myself getting older. Ugh!
Ok, well that’s it for me. Thanks for reading (if you did) and that’s for commenting (if you do) I appreciate it!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet
It wasn’t supposed to be a date night, it just sorta happened to turn into one. But in all actuality, it was no different than any other night.
The only thing different about this night than all the other nights is that I folded laundry. I rarely do that anymore. Why? Because I’m doing my very best to stay afloat and I can’t even do the bare minimum without a ton of effort.
So I took advantage of these required sick days I had to take and I caught up on lots of little things. And In these last few days, I’ve been trying to catch up on my laundry.
Now that I’ve edited this video where you can see my husband and I (watching Breaking Bad while I fold my laundry) a few things have come up for me:
For one, my therapist just called me out on something that I just happen to hint at in this video. It’s called, “the double life” paradox.
My therapist could tell that because of all that I have endured, I gravitate towards living a double life. I think it’s more subconscious and compulsive than he realizes.
That’s because – I truly don’t mean to do it – and yet – when I’m not able to do it, I feel as if I’m going crazy. I feel as if I’m denying a secret part of myself that just wants to be released. I think that’s why (when you read the words on the song vlog) I mention something about relating to Walter White.
I don’t want to sound like I’m doing some crazy crap like the genius meth chemist in Breaking Bad, but I do have this secret channel, with my secret videos, my secret messages that I’m “screaming” into the world with their not-so-secret lyrics, and then, of course, my writings.
My thoughts, my feelings, my vlogs.
I have tried and tried and tried to get my husband to show even a smidgen of interest in my videos, my blogs, and even my poetry – he doesn’t care.
He won’t even humor me and let me read something to him without being so bothered with my “long-windedness way of writing”
Wow, I said this was going to be a simple note – but nope.
I guess I had some truth to lay down, even if I’m not proud of it. I have earned the right to speak it.
Or at least write it.
Do I agree with Walter White’s actions? Of course not, but I understand them. I understand Skyler’s actions too. I understand Jesse and Saul Goodman too.
We are all character’s in our own little world, just trying to get by.
At least that’s how my life seems to be playing quietly in my head. I’m the version of ME that I want people to see, and then I’m a secret version of ME that I’m trying to BRAVE out here in YouTube land, to “try it on” sort of speak and see if I can get the guts to BE ME in the real world too.
That’s all I got for now.
I hope that now I can see the LIGHT I can stay strong. Don’t go hiding in the darkness again Crystal.
Music: Lights by Ellie Goulding & Positive Motivation by purple planet
I have been obsessed, no – scratch that… I have been IN LOVE with this song by Dodie.
I sing it allll the time, I memorized the lyrics and I even recorded myself jamming out to it on more than 1 occasion.
Yes – this video is all over the place, just be grateful I didn’t include the several other versions that I did, or put the song on loop with each occasion that I recorded it.
I had fun editing this video too.
Listening to the lyrics over and over again is like saying my new found mantra over and over again…
“hack it that I hate you so that I can let go”
that to me is the most PRECISE lyric for my life.
Why?
You see, my husband is a computer guy. And what are most computer guys “known” for?
Hacking into things, making “magic” happen. Right? Well, I don’t know about you – but I relate to Dodie’s agony where she is trying to get over this person in her life that has a strong hold on her heart and I suppose it’s been 2 years for her too, based on the opening line alone.
Well, it was 2 years ago that I attempted to disconnect from my husband and have been doing my best to be my OWN person. But I SWEAR, he has some sort of CURSE on me and I need some sort of MAGIC I suppose to forget about him and LET HIM GO!
I don’t think that means I need to divorce him, but I defiantly wish I could make decisions based on MY NEEDS and MY WANTS instead of always being so fearful of upsetting him or hurting him.
My codependency has been challenged greatly ever since I moved back in with him and I sometimes don’t feel like I have a chance to BREATHE my own thoughts, let alone my own decisions.
So when I sing silly songs like this – I am not only being goofy and cheering myself up, but I am also singing a secret wish for some magical way where he can hack into my brain and do something so awful that it forces me to let go of him once and for all.
At the end of the day, I have a lot of love and commitment to my marriage and I really don’t know what I’m doing except trying to survive another day.
sniff sniff cryyyy… 😥
that’s enough of that! Man Crystal – you’re such a HOT MESS!
now let’s replay the song and dance again!
Here are the lyrics – let me know what you think!
Hot Mess Lyrics [Verse 1] Now what, my darling? Two years have passed God, twenty-seven, still cryin’ in cars Stop planning our lives on things that haven’t been said We’re not dead
[Pre-Chorus] Waitin’ for the Count down, happy birthday Dry heave, I am not okay Brain rot in a pretty dress I’m a hot mess Wake up, do the same thing Break up, then we’re dancing Why am I so alright to do it again and again?
[Chorus] I can’t fight it, you try drivin’ Exit to the end in sight, dear Make it ugly, put on a show Hack it that I hate you so that I can let go
[Verse 2] One more reunion (One more) And goodbye again (Goodbye again) Oh God, I’d be lying if I didn’t want ten Stop drafting replies to things that haven’t been said Hе’s not dead
[Pre-Chorus] Still waitin’ for the Count down, happy new year Don’t know, I am still unclear Where’d I go? Take a fuckin’ guess I’m a hot mess Wake up, do the same thing Break up, then we’re dancin’ Why am I so alright to do it again and again?
[Chorus] I can’t fight it, you try drivin’ Exit to the end in sight, dear Make it ugly, put on a show Hack it that I hate you so that I can let go
Let me let go
Let me let go
Music: Hot Mess by dodie & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Deslob Student: a vlog about learning how to be less of a slob 