HEAL WITH ME: feel better…

Today’s video journal is chalked full of a few phrases or analogies, like…

• Stay in my own lane

• The elephant in the room

• Short change

• The fish tank

• Word vomits

• Freezes

• I’m starving

• damned if I do, dammed if I don’t

But I never do stop what I’m saying during this video journal to explain what I mean by these phrases.

I will do my best to elaborate here:

“Stay in my own lane” goes back to the codependency saying that I need to mind my own business. Not to meddle with other people’s responsibilities, especially my husband’s. I am a chronic “fixer” of my husband’s feelings because I can’t stand it when he’s upset. But I need to remind myself to just “tend to my own garden” because when we are busy watering someone else’s flowers, our own garden is neglected.

“The elephant in the room” of course is the giant obvious topic that no one is talking about it. Did I move in with Jim “too soon”? Maybe I shouldn’t have moved back in with him at all. Well, that’s a choice that I already made. The elephant is here… I might as well feed it and keep it safe… somehow.

“Short change” refers to the doubts i place on myself. You wouldn’t short change a customer, so why short change yourself? By jipping myself, I won’t be able to trust that I have my own best interests in mind. I need to speak to myself kinder and I also need treat myself with respect like I would any customer.

“The fish tank” is a pretty obvious analogy that I made up to describe how my husband is when he gets brand new things. I already knew what kind of fish tank I was jumping into and a large part of me wish I would’ve have the opportunity to stay in my little loner fish tank than to have jumped into his nasty tank with him.

“Word vomits” refers to the type of talking my mom does when she hogs the conversation. She keeps going and going and going, she doesn’t hold back and doesn’t recognize the flow of conversation we are lacking. I know it’s because she is aching for love and attention. I just don’t always have it in my cup to give her the sort of attention that she desires. So I will just hold her hair back and let her spew all over the place!

“Freezes” refers to the mute like responses I get from my husband. When he is triggered, he often over compensates with a vocal reaction, which can include yelling, cursing, sometimes even putting others down.

This (of course) would make someone’s sense of self worth vulnerable and unstable if done enough over time. As you can imagine, I might long for some WARMTH! Because when he ices me out, I feel lonely.  It would be no surprise that I yearn for his words of kindness, love and adoration. But instead of words of approval and encouragement, he freezes up. Cold as ice. Stone faced, no response. Am I explaining the analogy well enough? It looks like I keep giving more analogies and metaphors to explain this one. lol

“I’m starving” goes right along with the idea that I’m hungry for affection. I’m depleted of emotional connection when I’m lashed at and blamed for his feelings yet on the flip side, I’m not fed anything substantial or long lasting. And when he does love me up, it’s just like the fish tank analogy all over again, it’s not sustainable.

“damned if I do, dammed if I don’t” is without a doubt, talking about the internal hell that I face just about everyday.

I’m either in hell if I speak up for myself or I’m in hell if I don’t.

I truly only have myself to blame.

That’s all I’m gonna say for now.

Otherwise, the video journal speaks for itself, really.

On the other hand, my kids are in this tank. I need to be here with them. Regardless of the  desires that I have to be in another tank, I need to stay here and care for my children in this one.

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/