If you have been following for a couple of months, you might remember my 2 videos: Cluttered Dusty Book Shelf and Quick Pick Up. You will see me working on the living room in both videos but in both videos, I am very STUCK on what to do with excess items that no longer fit on the bookshelf.
Many of these items belong to my husband and I have told him a few times that he needs to sort through them and get rid of the items that he doesn’t want. I’ve also told him that if he wants to keep anything in this large pile, he will need to find a new place to put these items.
Well, it’s been over 2 months and they haven’t been taken care of yet. I’m seriously tired of seeing these items cluttered up around my piano bench. So, now that the Christmas Tree is down, I’ve decided to move the clutter to another part of the living room that will hopefully be LESS of a nuisance.
Have I taken care of the clutter? Oh heck no. I am fully aware that simply just MOVED the Clutter to another spot in the same room. But if you ask me, I think the living room looks 50% better than it did before! Don’t you agree?
I am so proud of this young lady. She’s been working her butt off to catch up on ALL her laundry. She has 7 and a half grocery bags full of clothes that she has outgrown and she is ready to donate them. The most impressive thing from this weekend: she has made HUGE improvements to getting her room cleaned up. Finally! I may have failed her as a parent by not being the best example of the type of young woman she should strive to be but I trust she is going to turn out just fine.
You see, I allowed my clinical depression (from 2015-2019) to rule my day-to-day interactions, routines, and decisions. I did my best not to, but just as life happens, so does depression. Thus making it look like I have a lazy “I don’t care” attitude overall. Many might even consider me to have a VERY laxed parenting style. But for the past 6 months or so, I have been doing so much better! My kids are not used to seeing this NEW mom that cares so much about their bedrooms, their homework, their hygiene, their daily vegetables and of course, their happiness.
They may not like some of the New-Mom expectations, but I know they are better off if I can just learn how to stick to it.
Only a few knew what was going on behind these closed doors, I was suffering with my mental health … silently. If I opened up to you about it, it’s because I trusted your kindness and knew you wouldn’t judge me. Thank you for that. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I managed to do the bare-minimum during my major depressive episodes and I’m so proud that despite my extremely low moods, I never once abandoned my kids. I may not have been the best version of myself but I worked hard DAILY at doing my very best. Even if it didn’t look like much. No, I didn’t cope with drugs or alcohol but I didn’t teach them the basics about home cleanliness either… And that’s what this long novel of a post is all about.
True, even before that time period, I wasn’t the most effective & disciplinary parent (when the kids were younger) because I seldom enforced either of the kids to clean their room on a regular basis. As long as there was a path to their beds in case of an emergency, I was fine with a cluttered and unkept room. Besides, how do I expect more from someone if I’m not doing it myself?
After we remodeled Matthew’s room last year, he seemed to grasp the clean-room concept a little better than his sister. I knew she was too much like me. I have what they call… “slob-vison”. If no one points it out to me, I truly do not see it. So Brooklyn’s room was often messy. Clothes on the floor, books in disarray, empty cubbies and toys scattered everywhere. Oh and the teeny pieces of trash that came from her Tinkerbell dog who loved to chew everything up from paper to pencils. As long as there was a path to bed, this was the only “rule” we enforced.
Her dad didn’t seem to mind her messy room too much either so that was the way we operated for most of her childhood. Whenever the mess bothered me enough, I would take a day off of work and just get-it-done. She was never expected to keep it clean, we hoped she would, but we never expected her to. I never made her go in her room 5 minutes a day to keep it maintained. And when it got messy before the next weekend, I never forced her to clean it up by herself… I knew and understood what sort of anxiety her messy room gave her so I was always the one that would go in and help her. I knew that whatever block I had about getting my house cleaned, she must’ve inherited the same block.
We gutted out her room in 2017, we painted it and she even had a big yard sale to windle down her possessions. The goal was to inspire her to love her space enough to keep it clean… but she continued to model my laxed, shrug-of-the-shoulder example when it came to tidying up. When the weekend came, I would ask her to clean her room and would she freeze up, spend hours being distracted (instead of actually cleaning) or she would start to cry.
Overwhelmed, feeling incapable, losing focus and having no motivation what-so-ever, she usually got by doing the bare minimum like her momma. I understood, all too well where she was coming from. I can never get my house clean ENOUGH to be proud of it. Not on my own, not in one day.
This is why I don’t allow people in my home. I am ashamed, just like she is. I sympathize with all her emotions all too well. So I either excused her from finishing or I helped her clean it up. Every. Single. Time.
As she got older, there would be days she would refuse my help. I think she instinctively knew she needed to figure this “cleaning thing” out on her own. But even when she refused my help, she never truly got it all-the-way clean, she’d burnout after an hour or two and ask me if it was good enough, and of course, I understood her slob-like brain and let her give up. I don’t think she ever saw how bad it really was… and if she did, she certainly didn’t think getting it cleaned in one weekend was even possible.
What she really needed to learn was the awesome accomplished feeling of doing it all by herself. Most of us know what that is, right? I didn’t realize I was enabling her by letting her give up, I didn’t realize I was robbing her of this awesome accomplished feeling by doing it for her all the time. My actions throughout her childhood meant that I didn’t let her discover this incredible, capable like feeling as a little kid so she didn’t know she was ever even capable of cleaning her bedroom, all the way, all by herself!
So yes, I have tons of guilty feelings about enabling her and not being a very good mom during (what I call) the toughest years of my life. But regardless of my mistakes, in many areas of *her* life, she has proven to herself that she *is* capable. Her room is cleaner today than I have seen it in 2 years!
So what changed? This past weekend, I surrendered. I was reminded, once again, how my slob-like ways have infected not only my home but everyone in it. I not only failed myself, but I also failed as a mom too. I sobbed for hours. But regardless on how I felt, she needed to get her room clean. I knew I didn’t have it in me to get in there and get-it-done, not again. I no longer had the emotional strength. I was out for the count, flooded with dark thoughts that kept me in bed for hours. So I stepped aside to take care of ME as I fought to allow the feelings of shame and guilt cloud my mind and envelope me in another depressive episode, (my first major one in many months). I told her dad that I give up. I am out of ideas on how to help her with her room, I admitted that I was surrendering because I knew I failed. That’s when Jim stepped in.
He didn’t do a tough military-style on her (like I feared he might do, which is why I never asked him before.) He just believed in her. He knew she was in for a rude awakening because dad is NOT mom, but he wasn’t going to let her give up on herself like I did. Instead of helping her clean up, he wouldn’t lift a finger, his strategy was to tell her to clean her room and just continue to check on her every 20 minutes. When she got tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, depleted, he would softly point out a couple of suggestions and leave the room again. He stayed consistent, returning every 20 minutes or so. Encouraging her she was capable the whole time. He didn’t yell at her or make her feel bad. When she got distracted, he nudged her gently. He didn’t feel sorry for her (like I did for many years) and most of all, he didn’t bend or compromise from the end goal.
Looking back, as a kid, the only time my room EVER got REALLY clean is when my grandma came over and helped me clean it.
She pointed out what needed to be done and did a lot of the major work herself. She did it maybe twice a year and only when we really really needed it. Those were some of my best memories that I have of her. I felt like she saved us from our messes as kids. This is maybe why I like hiring someone to help me clean once in a while. It feels like someone is saving me from my mess.
This also means I never learned about consistency and maintenance, I never learned how to not give up when it got hard. I guess I never really learned I was capable either.
My dad taught me how to make cleaning fun, how to turn a chore into a project and look forward to the “after shot”. This is a huge part of how and why my style of cleaning is the way that it is.
My stepmom barked at us to clean up after ourselves so I really only know how to hop to it when I’m asked. She gave us a weekly chore before we were only allowed to relax on the weekend. As a teenager, if I wanted to talk to any friends on the phone, her rule was that I had to be cleaning up something while I chatted. It is because of her that I learned the discipline of routine… I learned about reward going in hand with hard work and I learned how following directions kept everyone happy with me but I never learned the notion that I could clean up after myself without those things.
My mom didn’t really teach me that I was capable either, she only quickly cleaned up after me and my siblings, she cleaned our rooms for us too, just like her mom did for her and her siblings. The houses my mom kept were always pretty decent and if it wasn’t as good as I remember, I sure as heck didn’t notice.
I still don’t notice a mess until it’s gotten out of hand. That’s when I look to someone to save me from my mess. Lately, I’ve tried to challenge myself with cleaning because I truly do want to get better at this. Before I relax and reward myself with something fun or relaxing, I tell my brain that it’s time to clean. Anything is better than nothing. So, I look for something that looks easy enough to do in a short amount of time, I get disciplined with myself and then I turn it into a game or an all-day project. I take a photo of the mess and when I’m finished, I take an “after shot”. Last, but not least, I feel the pride one is supposed to feel after a job well done.
This is why I am the mom that I am. I am made up of a lot of little pieces of my life experiences and all the choices that I make. Aren’t we all made up of our life experiences and the choices that we make?
I may have a little bit of cleaning styles of my grandma, my dad, my stepmom and my mom… but Mostly, I am me and while I may feel pretty shitty about myself right now because of how badly her room has gotten, I am going to choose a different experience out of all this, learn from it and move on to the next challenge. I can’t let my failure from the past define me for the rest of my life.
This is why my daughter didn’t know how to clean her room, she learned her cleaning style from me. But after Brooklyn cleaned her room all weekend she learned she didn’t need anyone in the room with her to help her, she did it on her own.
I have my husband to thank for helping her discover this.
Brooklyn is 11 years old, she is a smart girl with the potential to accomplish anything when she puts her mind to it. She may have a little bit of her momma in her but she also has a little bit of a lot of other people too. Most of all, she is Brooklyn. A combination of a lot of beloved traits and this makes a very impressive, loving, independent, sassy, beautiful, talented, smart and kind young woman.
In this video screenshot, I captured a moment from this weekend I want to always remember, you will see a little bit of her clean laundry piled up behind us, you will also see her smiling as she had just made a comment that she’s almost as tall as me. She laughs a little evil laugh as she thinks growing past me is some sort of accomplishment. Lol. This is why I have this look on my face. Every day she gets a little older and cannot stress this enough… I am so proud of the young woman she is growing up to be.
Believe it or not… my daughter found MORE dirty clothes in her bedroom and has MANY more clothes to sort through.
I reminded her to ONLY keep clothes that SPARK JOY. She’s already done this project 2 other times in the past month and every time I think we’ve got it all… she surprises me and finds MORE dirty clothes that she needs to wash and go through for donate.
She’s pretty good at washing it all – she’s just not so good at folding it and putting it away. So… after I was finished falling apart last weekend, I got enough motivation to help my daughter fold her clean laundry while we watched a movie.
She’s been working really hard on her bedroom and even though she isn’t done yet, I am really proud of her.
You don’t have to remind me. I am working on it… every. single.day.
What’s even worse, I have an invisible illness ~ it’s called DEPRESSION.
You can’t SEE what Depression is doing to me, but you can see what it’s doing to my house. I am fighting in a battle against depression and I hope one day I will the war.
Some days are better than ever and I am coping better than I ever have before. Starting my cleaning videos has helped me a ton. So has medication, talking to friends, writing poetry, listening to music, going to weekly therapy sessions and even trying some holistic approaches but the biggest thing that helped most of all was… meditating.
Quieting the mind, stopping the negative self-talk, giving myself forgiveness and grace. I know that I need to keep trusting that the creator of this universe wants the best for me while surrendering to whatever lessons I need to learn.
Do you know someone that has an invisible illness?
Be careful of what you assume is going on in someone else’s life. We all show others what we *want* the world to see but many of us suffer secretly behind closed doors… some more than others. But all of us have *something* we’re trying to overcome… something we wish we could improve magically overnight. We know something that you may not know about most things in life… … life improves in Babysteps. Not with harsh words. Not with a firm fist or QUICK FIX.
No one overcomes their invisible struggles exactly like another… so, of course, we each handle our invisible struggles differently than how someone else might handle theirs…we can’t pretend that there is a one-size-fits-all FIX.
Don’t be that BULLY in someone else’s life that makes them feel worse than how they already felt. Judging someone else doesn’t SNAP them out if it. It doesn’t make them magically better. It doesn’t do a damn thing except make them keep the door closed even longer.
Be compassionate, be understanding, be inquisitive, be unbiased and be open to listening to someone else’s story, be willing to HEAR THEM and see their perspective. Be someone who takes time to learn about what’s underneath the surface and perhaps they will share what invisible struggles they are faced with every.single.day.
But Most of all… be kind. Be someone that a struggling person can trust. So when they are ready to open that door to you, MAYBE, only Maybe, they will be open to your kind suggestions too.
My husband took this past Friday off of work and made a few more improvements in the kitchen!
We’re going for a teal and copper theme if you couldn’t tell.
He was excited to show it off to me when I got home from work, I’m a little bit more impressed that he wiped off the counters, organized the kitchen a little better and he even swept the floor too!
What do you think?
Do you remember how dingy white it used to be?
I think it looks really nice – watch the video and stay tuned to the end to see what the kitchen USED to look like before he updated it!
Ok, so maybe this video isn’t really anything spectacular.
I mean, if you watch it until the end, I really don’t **do** anything different except for clean out the bin all the stuff was in and organize it a little better.
My excuse is…
I don’t really have a place to put all of this stuff…
But the good news is, it’s not just sitting next to the fireplace, just below my desk collecting dust anymore. I even threw some of the trash away that I found inside this bin.
So I guess that’s a start.
Plus, the items are all related to each other. It’s not like it’s a bin full random stuff. (I have MANY bins full of random stuff.)
I also gave the bin-full-of-scout-stuff a new home – yes, I will clean up the fireplace area one of these days, I promise.
Like I said, I have many more bins that I need to organize. We’ll just call this, Bin Project #1.
Hopefully, Bin Project #2 will be a little bit more productive than this one was.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m having a rough week. Instead of writing very much, I’m just going to post the lyrics to this song.
It speaks to me right now.
“Stronger” by Prismo
You stole my heart of gold
After my silver soul
Can you dig any deeper now?
I gave you all I owned
Put you on a golden throne
But I’m a little stronger now
You cashed in all my promises
You know I’m too generous
Now I’ve learned to never help you out
Cause I’m done cleaning up your mess
Found myself in my regret
I’ve become a little stronger now
A little stronger now
You cashed in all my promises
You know I’m too generous
Now I’ve learned to never help you out
Cause I’m done cleaning up your mess
Found myself in my regret
I’ve become a little stronger now
A little stronger now…
You cashed in all my promises
You know I’m too generous
Now I’ve learned to never help you out
Cause I’m done cleaning up your mess
Found myself in my regret
I’ve become a little stronger now
A little stronger now
When my daughter and I sorted her clothes last month, I asked her if the 3 loads of laundry that we folded was everything that she owned. She said YES. It didn’t seem accurate – but when I looked around her room, there weren’t any other clothing items to be found.
It wasn’t until my husband started cleaning out the dining room that she found a couple of hampers full of dirty clothes from SEVERAL months ago!
Eeek!
She washed all of that old laundry and here is part 2 of Keeping Items that Spark Joy – watch until the end so you can get a chance to click on the 1st video we did.
On January 12th, I finally decided HOW I was going to take down the tree. And that was also the day I finally did it.
“Stones” by Heuse
Thought about this too much
What’s there left to say?
Throw your stones the river
Like me, it drifts away
I would watch you stare
I would watch you stare
Ooh, but there’s no-one there
We can figure this out
Put your feet down
We are the lucky ones
Swallow your choices down
Terrified of what’s left
Remains, unsettled till you break my mind
Till you break my mind
Until you break my thoughts
Till you break my thoughts
I’m throwing wishes in the well in hopes that
That you will keep them for yourself and know that
Know there was a time
When we never let go
Never let go
Ooh, never let go
We can figure this out
Put your feet down
We are the lucky ones
Swallow your choices down
Terrified of what’s left
Remains, unsettled till you break my mind
Till you break my mind
Until you break my thoughts
Till you break my thoughts
These sticks and stones will break me
Deslob Student: a vlog about learning how to be less of a slob 