my last time with grandma

Mar 19th – I am grateful that we made the trip to watch my Grandma enjoy my cousin Joseph’s wedding. So many great memories and moments to cherish. Congrats to the newly married couple!

Mar 20th – It is really unfathomable to think THIS MOMENT could be the last moment I get with my Grandma. I seriously was so content and felt blessed beyond measure to have had my special time with her in the hospital this past January. I went home with peace and didn’t ache to need anything more with her. This visit was harder this time, I wasn’t content to leave. I know this trip was just meant as an extra special one and I know I should be so very grateful but I wish I could’ve stayed longer.
Actually, I know what this feeling is…
It’s regret. 😭

I wish I would’ve made more trips.

That’s it.

As I look back on my life, I wish I would’ve ceased more moments like I did this weekend. I wish I would’ve pushed myself and taken more trips, even if it was just by myself. My Grandma and I could’ve had more special moments, more heart to hearts. She can’t have any more heart to hearts anymore. She doesn’t hardly speak. I am just grateful I got to share space with her this weekend. As I watched her watch people visiting with each other, as I watched her struggle to get to the wedding, as I watched her search for comfort at the wedding, as I watched her drift to sleep as I peeled the potatoes, as I watched her smirk and smile while we all laughed around the room this morning. No matter how responsive or not she is, I am so glad I got to just share space and witness who she is NOW in this moment.
I hear that not many people are close to their Grandparents. But for those of us who are, you’ll understand. I am named after this wonderful woman. She raised my father to be a wonderful man. She has had such a wonderful impact on our Pollard family. She also has had to be strong to put up with a lot of bologna. I look up to her and I can only hope my life has a meaningful impact on my family as well. I too am strong and have had to put up with a lot of bologna. She used to tell me all the time, life is hard no matter what you choose, so choose your “hard”.
When I think of her passing away, I can’t help but think of my Dad, her son, and how early we lost him. But I know in my heart he is there in Heaven waiting for his mom when the time is right. She will be with her Dee again and she will have her sister, parents and many other siblings too.
Thank you to those who helped capture this last moment of me and my Grandma. Yes, I do wish I had more memories with her, (and with my Dad and other Grandma who passed as well) but there’s no sense in wallowing in regret. All I can do now is work through my grief, allow myself to feel all these feelings and eventually accept the memories that I have.
Just as my Dad said in his last words…
“No regrets.”

Music: Think of Me from Phantom of The Opera
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/