I’m gonna just leave a simple note for this one…
This is a SONG VLOG about a date night, I guess?
It wasn’t supposed to be a date night, it just sorta happened to turn into one. But in all actuality, it was no different than any other night.
The only thing different about this night than all the other nights is that I folded laundry. I rarely do that anymore. Why?
Because I’m doing my very best to stay afloat and I can’t even do the bare minimum without a ton of effort.
So I took advantage of these required sick days I had to take and I caught up on lots of little things. And In these last few days, I’ve been trying to catch up on my laundry.
Now that I’ve edited this video where you can see my husband and I (watching Breaking Bad while I fold my laundry) a few things have come up for me:
For one, my therapist just called me out on something that I just happen to hint at in this video. It’s called, “the double life” paradox.
My therapist could tell that because of all that I have endured, I gravitate towards living a double life. I think it’s more subconscious and compulsive than he realizes.
That’s because – I truly don’t mean to do it – and yet – when I’m not able to do it, I feel as if I’m going crazy. I feel as if I’m denying a secret part of myself that just wants to be released. I think that’s why (when you read the words on the song vlog) I mention something about relating to Walter White.
I don’t want to sound like I’m doing some crazy crap like the genius meth chemist in Breaking Bad, but I do have this secret channel, with my secret videos, my secret messages that I’m “screaming” into the world with their not-so-secret lyrics, and then, of course, my writings.
My thoughts, my feelings, my vlogs.
I have tried and tried and tried to get my husband to show even a smidgen of interest in my videos, my blogs, and even my poetry – he doesn’t care.
He won’t even humor me and let me read something to him without being so bothered with my “long-windedness way of writing”
Wow, I said this was going to be a simple note – but nope.
I guess I had some truth to lay down, even if I’m not proud of it.
I have earned the right to speak it.
Or at least write it.
Do I agree with Walter White’s actions?
Of course not, but I understand them.
I understand Skyler’s actions too.
I understand Jesse and Saul Goodman too.
We are all character’s in our own little world, just trying to get by.
At least that’s how my life seems to be playing quietly in my head.
I’m the version of ME that I want people to see, and then I’m a secret version of ME that I’m trying to BRAVE out here in YouTube land, to “try it on” sort of speak and see if I can get the guts to BE ME in the real world too.
That’s all I got for now.
I hope that now I can see the LIGHT I can stay strong.
Don’t go hiding in the darkness again Crystal.
Music: Lights by Ellie Goulding
& Positive Motivation by purple planet
Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/
Deslob Student: a vlog about learning how to be less of a slob 