My biggest obstacle to decluttering is getting started. once I get started. I am easily overwhelmed. Once I push through the overwhelm, I lose momentum and have a hard time completing the task/project. This is why video taping my progress helps me extremely! If the camera wasn’t there to keep me accountable. I probably wouldn’t have done even “this much” today!
In hindsight, I didn’t need to work on my clothes this early but I guess the only reason why I did is because it seemed the least daunting of everything else that needed to be done before the big move day.
There are several more videos to come leading up to the big move day… stay tuned!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet & Jumper by Third Eye Blind (Kina Grannis cover)
One minute I love him, the next I hate him… ugh, learning to trust after domestic violence might be the hardest thing someone might ever have to do. PTSD runs deep in the soul that’s been crushed time and time again. I truly do believe he wants to be a better man… but I know that doesn’t mean I have to take him back. I’ve got tons to think about. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not in a desperate situation. I have choice, I have NORMAL married woman freedom for the 1st time in 16 years. He says that I would still have my freedom if I moved back in. But is that REALLY true? If so, how long would it last?? Until he gets triggered again? If so, is that going to make me feel imprisoned again? Why would I want to give my freedom up so quickly? I miss my kids tho… maybe this is healthy for them to see their parents NOT give up? Maybe it’s better for them to see their parents work at repairing their marriage? Or is it better that I stand my ground and walk away? Is it better for me to NOT cave & move back in, even if my children don’t come with me to a home I don’t have? I’m not sure what is best for me, or what is best for the kids… all I know is that I refuse to move back in right away, if he really wants me back – he has several more jealousy and rage things to address. The only difference between now and then is NOW I know it’s not mine to carry, that’s HIS healing that HE needs to do… it’s my job to take care of my kids and ME and keep us safe… so only time will tell. I can tell his tears were genuine, especially paired with this song. These powerful lyrics made me cry too!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Digital Journal from Jan 30th – If I ask you… “who are you” what would you say? How would you describe yourself? By your name? Your age, height, family title? By your marital status? By your profession? How about describing your personality… hmmm… where do you start?? Your flaws?? Your strengths?? Are you the sum of your successes and failures?? Are you the amount of money in your bank account or the sports team you love? Are you your nationality and skin color? Are you your passions and your hobbies?
As for me… I don’t think any of that is all that important when I want to get to know someone. I CERTAINLY don’t want those questions paired with my answers to define who I am. I DO, however, want to get a little deeper so I can get to know YOU…
How do you treat others? How do you react in a stressful situation? Is it based on your fears and insecurities? Is the way you handle life problems rooted somewhere in your past trauma? Or have you healed from your childhood and decided you wouldn’t let your past define you? If so, do you have a set of principles, morals and values that you live by? What is your personal code of ethics? If so, who’s ideology do you believe? Would you describe yourself as Christian? Jewish? Buddha? Agnostic? What books do you have on your shelf that you find invaluable? What quotes can you recite from memory that act as a mantra for those tough days? Who do you turn to for guidance to remind you of WHO YOU ARE? What do you do to get BACK ON TRACK when you are feeling lost and confused? Do you look to others to fill your cup or are you able to fill your own? Do you hold someone else responsible for your happiness? Do YOU feel responsible for someone else’s success or failures? Do you go around saving others to feel good about your self-worth or can you get grounded in your healthy sense of self before lending a helping hand? How much better are you to your loved ones when you turn to your core beliefs and find solace?
These are the questions I want to study for myself… my answers will be how I want to define me. I want to push through my knee-jerk “personalities” and know WHO I AM… not my last name, not a title, not a number, not a failure measured by someone else’s yardstick. As I become CrystalClear, I want to discover my own principles of what makes me Crystal.
Principles BEFORE Personalities
I’m still learning this.
As for this moment… I do know that I love to make “song vlogs”… hyperspeed videos set to FAMILIAR music because the lyrics speak to my soul.
These kids mean the world to me. Their happiness is why I had to leave their dad in the 1st place. I wasn’t able to bring my best self to my relationship so I had to leave for a year to heal myself. Every day I work hard at becoming the best mom that I can be. As I tippy-toe into the possibility of moving back into the home I left, I think about this video from December. I think the thoughts and opinions my children had about their parents. I listen to the way they phrase things and hope that they know that every choice I make is to only help them be healthy adults. I am not sure if moving back in with their dad is the best choice right now – but if I do end up deciding to do that, it’s only because I believe in repair. I believe in rehabilitation, I believe in forgiveness and I believe that they are witnessing how this plays out. They will model the behaviors of their parents in their own relationships or they will do their very best to do BETTER than their parents did!
My kids are growing up, they are so intelligent, mature and insightful for their age. So, I find it important to document what they think about their parents in this moment, because their opinions might change. So I will share it here – the parts they gave me permission to share, but even if I hide it from everyone else to see. I believe it’s an important part of the story I am telling.
Lyrics I will fight I will fight for you I always do, until my heart Is black and blue
And I will stay I will stay with you We’ll make it to the other side Like lovers do
I’ll reach my hands out in the dark And wait for yours to interlock I’ll wait for you I’ll wait for you
‘Cause I’m not givin’ up I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up No not yet Even when I’m down to my last breath Even when they say there’s nothin’ left So don’t give up on
I’m not givin’ up I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up No not me Even when nobody else believes I’m not goin’ down that easily So don’t give up on me
And I will hold I’ll hold onto you No matter what this world’ll throw It won’t shake me loose
I’ll reach my hands out in the dark And wait for yours to interlock I’ll wait for you I’ll wait for you
‘Cause I’m not givin’ up I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up No not yet Even when I’m down to my last breath Even when they say there’s nothin’ left So don’t give up on
I’m not givin’ up I’m not givin’ up, givin’ up No not me Even when nobody else believes I’m not goin’ down that easily So don’t give up on me
(my father was) a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn’t be that man that I adored You don’t seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for I don’t know (my dad) anymore There’s nothin’ where (I have) to lie Our conversation has run dry That’s what’s goin’ on Nothing’s fine, I’m torn I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel I’m cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion (is) never changed Into something real I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You’re a little late I’m already torn So I guess (my mom & friends & everyone is) right (I) Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light But you crawled beneath my veins and now I don’t care, I have no luck I don’t miss (you) all that much There’s just so many things That I can’t touch, I’m torn I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel I’m cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion (is) never changed Into something real I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You’re a little late I’m already torn Torn There’s nothing where (I have to) to lie My inspiration has run dry That’s what’s goin’ on Nothing’s right, I’m torn I’m all out of faith This is how I feel I’m cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor Illusion (is) never changed Into something real I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I’m all out of faith This is how I feel I’m cold and I am ashamed Bound and broken on the floor You’re a little late I’m already torn Torn
Music: Torn by Natalie Imbruglia & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Hello! Welcome! And Thank you for watching my little “talent show” performance.
In this video, I attempt to play a song on the piano while I was at my mom’s house. I find this video hilarious because I am constantly messing up. I can’t play it all the way through until the very end. Until I have made mistake after mistake, cursing and laughing at myself all the way to the end. The same goes with my LIFE – my life has been full of mistakes and moments of clarity and then bam, another mistake. But if I could just believe in myself, KNOW that I can do it – know that I don’t have to do it “perfectly”, I can still enjoy myself. I apologize that this video is so long. I took a half-hour of footage and crammed it down to less than 11 minutes. Maybe next time I play this song I can actually enjoy myself instead of working so hard at “perfection” that I make my back hurt!
I’d like to point out that I haven’t played this song in over a year, maybe even closer to 2 years. I should also point out that the song my mom played the other day is NOT this song, it was a cover song. This song is one that she composed, there are no WORDS to it so that why I wasn’t singing to it.
Isn’t it a pretty song tho?
Thanks again for watching!
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet & some song my mom made up – played by ME!
A polo is an abbreviated term used for a video message, formally known as a “Marco Polo” video message.
I love Marco Polo – when I started using it, I was feeling so very alone and was in deep deep despair. But finding people to Marco Polo with me every once in a while has really helped change things around for me. I literally tell EVERYBODY that is has saved my life!
You can do a Marco Polo to me too if you want – just download the app and let me know you’ve joined by emailing me at deslobstudent@gmail.com!
How does it work (*you ask) I’d love to explain!
If you tried to call your best friend, (or bestie) but she was unavailable – you might leave a voice message. Well – Marco Polo is a voice message, but with VIDEO! She doesn’t have to be there while I’m recording my video message. She can watch it later, she can watch it over and over again, she can save it, delete it, she can even skip through it if she doesn’t want to watch the whole thing. The best part is… she can get back to me whenever she wants to. There’s no right or wrong way to use Marco Polo. My “polos” tend to be a little long – hence why most of my friends and family don’t use Marco Polo anymore.
This is a very private Marco Polo to my bestie – mostly private because I ramble a very long time about my yo-yo-like thoughts… so if you happened to watch it all the way through, thank you. I’d love to know that you did watch. YouTube tells me the average person watches less that 3 minutes each video. I am curious who watches all the way to end. Not because I plan on changing anything that I do – but I am curious.
Ok, I’m done now. thanks again for your support.
Music: piano moment by bensound & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Digital Journal from Jan 28th – INSTEAD OF CURSING at my brain like usual, I woke up this morning appreciating my mind and feeling very smart. It gave me the positive momentum I needed to have a good day. After work, I struggled with feelings like loneliness and neediness. But I pulled through when I started listening to some validating music and watching some mindless comedy. By midnight, I was doing karaoke by myself here at home! I can see that I am finally starting to feel the love and acceptance that I deserve. I am always making myself do things where I HAVE no other choice but to give myself love unconditionally… take this song for example. I don’t care if I suck at singing, I enjoyed singing this song very much. I love the lyrics! I think I sound better than I used to sound and that’s only because I sing all the time these days… practice makes progress! Right?
I also pushed myself to do some packing in the apartment tonight and also went through a bin filled with ancient papers. I have an overflowing box ready to be recycled, yay! Some documents were as old as 1998… I found the paperwork I was given when I first enrolled in college! Yikes! So glad I was able to get a lot done on my own. Missionary girls are coming back tomorrow and it’s all the motivation I need!!! I want to make them proud but I’m afraid I didn’t reach all my goals for the week.
In any case, I am so blessed for their friendship and service these last several months. I love how dependable they are… I realize that I need more of that in my life. I have a hard time trusting people to show up for me because of my abandonment issues. I fear getting to close to people who might not come back. But these missionaries are helping me learn how to trust again because they show up every week, just like they said they would! I hope one day I will be as good of a friend to others just as those girls have been to me. They are like my sweet, encouraging little sisters that just want the best for me.
Back to the song – it’s called “White Flag”. It’s a very sad song in my opinion.
and I like to sing it – I know I’m not that good at it, but it’s not the point. I sing as a form of therapy. I like relating to the lyrics of songs as I feel they can be very validating and uplifting. I don’t usually explain WHY I relate to the lyrics line for line – but I have tonight here:
White Flag Lyrics (and my thoughts behind them)
[Verse 1] I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you Or tell you that
(Jim has said this to me many times – especially when I first left him)
But if I didn’t say it Well, I’d still have felt it Where’s the sense in that?
(and if I’m honest, I said it back to him – and I never stopped saying it to him all this time.)
I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder Or return to where we were
(but we both agree, we don’t want to go back to the same type of relationship we had before. We really want to do what it takes to make our marriage work.)
[Chorus] But I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender (neither one of us is ready to give up on this marriage.) There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be (so now the question becomes… what do we do about it?)
[Verse 2] I know I left too Much mess and destruction To come back again
(I might’ve left a little mess – but not as much destruction as Jim has.)
And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you Can’t talk to me again (this is true, there’s a lot of PTSD for BOTH of us now)
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over” Then I’m sure that that makes sense
(most people that really know us know that we love each other but they also know how toxic we used to be for each other – no one really knows if we are “ready” to try this again.)
[Chorus] But I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be
[Bridge] And when we meet (we meet all the time) Which I’m sure we will
All that was there Will be there still (it is, we are still very much in love)
I’ll let it pass And hold my tongue (we just hold our tongues about the issues now)
And you will think That I’ve moved on (and that’s the unhealthy part – we aren’t ready to talk about the hard stuff yet.)
[Chorus] I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be
[Outro] I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be
(just like a captain of their ship – we aren’t gonna abandon this relationship just yet.)
Music: White Flag by Dido & Positive Motivation by purple planet
Deslob Student: a vlog about learning how to be less of a slob 