i choose to be productive anyway

One of the things my therapist is trying to teach me is how to be Unapologetically Crystal. This means: if someone isn’t happy with how I am doing something, tough luck butter cup. If someone wants me to follow THEIR ideas and their suggestions and it’s not something I’m down with… then I don’t have to do it! This also goes to my husband’s backward way of thinking, sometimes he drives me up the wall!

Well, today – I was mad. This is not normal for me. I don’t usually allow myself to be mad. I think I am afraid of myself when I’m mad. I don’t trust myself to NOT take it too far.

So when I am mad, I usually avoid the feeling altogether and try to cheer myself up somehow. But today, I felt like allowing myself to feel mad and honoring it, rather than pretending that I wasn’t mad. It’s ok to be MAD!

I just wanted the family to have a good Saturday, but my husband felt it was necessary to BARK orders at everyone. Then he had to take it so personally when we didn’t do his requests EXACTLY how he expected it to be done.

You see, my husband wanted us to get the house cleaned up. He didn’t really ask, he just demanded it. The kids and I had plans to go get some school shopping done. Well, he didn’t feel we should go until we got our “chores” done first. Pfft. Whatever. Fine.

But instead of asking us nicely, he just raised his voice, gave us a scary attitude, used intimidation and basically bullied us into it.

I’m sorry husband, but if you want to get MORE out of your kids, (and me too) you should give us more HONEY than you do vinegar. Stop giving everyone the pissy/angry version of you and maybe we’ll feel respected and want to respect you in return!

I know I would!

Well, do I dare say all that to him?
Hell no, he wouldn’t hear of it.
So I politely asked my husband if he would PLEASE leave.

I told him that he works from home all week, cooped up in the house. No outlet, no FUN. He’s stuck at home all summer with bored teenagers and their piss-poor attitudes. I thought he’d appreciate a time out.

I begged, I pleaded, I DEMANDED that he leave us alone to clean.

I asked him if could he PLEASE go take a walk, go to the batting cages or the shooting range for all I care. Just PLEASE leave. His attitude was NOT mixing well with the attitudes of our two children.

I was fine. I was calm. Until, well… he didn’t do what I asked.
He didn’t leave.
He didn’t take a time out.
And that’s when I started to feel triggered.

But instead of falling apart for the day, I CHOSE to get mad instead.

I wanted that ability to be able to calmly say to my husband that he needs a break from us and ask him nicely to GO AWAY.

Because, well, if it could work – wouldn’t that be GREAT?
It would be like MAGIC!

But it didn’t work. I don’t have that magic power just like I don’t have the autonomy to clean when I want to clean, clean HOW I want to clean or do what I want to do on MY ONLY DAY OFF. I have no fucking autonomy in my life and it is such a stark contrast to the independence I used to have.

So hell yes I was pissed.

And that’s why I play this BITCH song because I am going to just start doing things MY WAY and start learning how to be Unapologetically Crystal. COME WHAT MAY. I’m tired of being the people pleaser and peacemaker that he expects me to be. I’m taking on a new Brand New Attitude.

Watch out world, here I come.

Music: piano moment by bensound
& Bitch by Meredith Brooks
& Positive Motivation by purple planet

Website: https://deslobstudent.wordpress.com/